Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain
by toledo girl
Summary: Set during Goodbye Farewell and Amen. Hawkeye goes crazy and uncovers his past. While he is gone, Margaret finds out that she'll need him more then ever. Of course, H/M.
1. Chapter 1

1 How I Said Good Bye

Margaret sat at her dresser as a tear trickled down her cheek. In front of her was a journal that she had been keeping ever since she had arrived in Korea. The small space glowed from the candle that was lit. The tear from her cheek fell and landed on the paper that she was writing on. Margaret picked up her pen once she realized that she had gotten the paper wet and dabbed the paper with a tissue. She sighed and then continued to write.

_July 28__th__ 1953_

Tonight is my last night here in Korea, the war is officially over. A few hours ago we all gathered for our last dinner together and shared with everyone what we were going to do once we got home. After that Hawkeye and me came back to my tent to say good bye to each other. It was the hardest good bye that I have ever said in my life. At first we had a fun time, he brought a bottle of champagne over and we talked for a while and then we borrowed Charles's record player and danced. During that whole time Hawkeye seemed to be happy but looked as if he wanted to say something. Well, he did. Just a few minutes ago he asked me to come back home with him and get married. I turned him down. I can't believe it, but I said no. My last words to him were "I don't think that it would work out. We're too different and we would spend half of the time fighting and arguing with each other." I still think that that's true, but I don't know if I'll ever forget the look on his face. He looked as if I had just told him that he was dying. He did give me his phone number in case I ever changed my mind. I would like to still be friends with him, but I don't know if I could face him. I learned that I could have trouble being with him just last week when he was in the mental hospital with Doctor Freedman. I went in to see him, but I felt very uncomfortable being there and I honestly never want to feel like that again. I think I'll finish here. Now I am going to bed here for the last time in my life. I also might have just said good bye to the one man who really meant something to me for the last time in my life.

Margaret put down the pen and thought for a moment. The whole thing was very bitter sweet. She wanted to go home and she wanted the war to end, but she didn't want to leave Hawkeye for good. From the first kiss that he ever gave her to the dance that they had just shared she had been getting closer and closer to him. She just wasn't sure about how close she really was to him. She also had no idea how close Hawkeye had felt to her. He had just proposed.

"Well, here's to you Hawkeye Pierce. The only man I know who would put up with what you just went through," she said as she picked up and held an unfinished glass of champagne that was next to her and then drank it.

She sat there for a minute and just stared across the room. Margaret then stood up and blew out the candle and headed over to her cot where she laid down and tried to fall asleep as she remember the last couple of weeks.


	2. Chapter 2

2 Just Between You and Me

Margaret could remember the whole thing like it was yesterday, and it practically was yesterday. Every from the 4077th was at the beach. Today they got a free day because Colonel Potter had heard that they weren't expecting any casualties for a while. It was towards the end of the day now and Hawkeye and Margaret were sitting by a campfire that they had to themselves.

"You know, I never did thank you," Hawkeye quietly mentioned, as he smiled over to her.

"For what?" Margaret asked, looking up to him. As soon as she saw the look on his face though, she had a pretty good idea of what he was going to say.

"Last night," Hawkeye answered and then devilishly grinned at Margaret.

Margaret smiled and then looked back down. "Just don't tell any one," she instructed.

"Why not?" he teased. If anything, he was going to brag about it. Not just the fact that he had slept with hotlips Houlihan, but also, that that might have been one of the best nights that he had ever had there.

"Hawkeye," Margaret snapped.

Hawkeye mockingly held his right hand up. "I swear, not a word," he promised.

Margaret rolled her eyes. "Good," she replied. Even though he was kidding around with her, she knew that she could trust him. Maybe not when they had first met, but now she could trust him.

Hawkeye looked around to check if there was anyone near them. As soon as he was sure that no one would hear, he turned back to her. "By the way, what was so special about last night?" he implored.

Margaret looked up into his eyes. A bitter sweet smile appeared. "Last night was my good bye to you," she explained. It was more or less, her way of thanking him, her way of showing him that he meant more to her than everyone else did there.

"What?" Hawkeye asked.

"There's an opening at Tokyo General, and they want me," Margaret answered.

"Hey! That's terrific," Hawkeye said as he put his arm around her.

"Yeah," Margaret said and then looked back down at the fire. For the moment, she loved having his arm around her. He was one of the only reasons why she didn't know whether or not she should go.

"There's a good chance that I'll decide to take it, but I'm still not quite sure yet," Margaret admitted.

Hawkeye looked to her as if she had just gone insane. "Why not? You get to sleep in an actual bed and eat real food. Hey, you even get to rub it in Charles's face when you tell him about it," he stated.

Margaret softly laughed. "True, but I think that I might be more needed here."

"Margaret, you're a good nurse, but you're not the only one who can do your job," Hawkeye argued.

"I guess you're right," Margaret sighed.

"I know I'm right," Hawkeye informed her with a smile. Margaret just returned the smile.

"Come on folks! Time to head back!" Colonel Potter announced.

While Hawkeye went to go get water to put the fire out, Margaret sat there and tried to figure out what she really wanted to do. Going to Tokyo General might mean a promotion and would definitely mean better living conditions, but staying would mean that she could keep her position as a head nurse. There was something she liked about having to always be ready to operate and being in charge of others. Maybe there was something else, something else that she couldn't have anywhere else. Hawkeye. Margaret's gaze was broken as Hawkeye dumped the water over the fire.

"Come on, let's get going," Hawkeye instructed.

Margaret got up and joined him on the way to the bus.


	3. Chapter 3

3 One Bus Ride

Hawkeye sat next to BJ as they made their way back to the camp. "Did you and Margaret have fun?" BJ asked.

"Yeah, but I did have a better suggestion that she wouldn't take," Hawkeye replied as he looked out the window.

"You know that at anytime this war could be over," BJ mentioned, trying to get his attention.

Hawkeye turned to him. "That's what I said when I got here. Three years later and I'm still here," he responded.

"Oh come on Hawk. You seriously believe that this will go on much longer?" BJ questioned. He was a firm believer that all this would end within the next month. It just had to.

The bus suddenly stopped. "What's going on?" Hawkeye asked looking out the window.

Both Hawkeye and BJ looked forward as they saw some refugees come on. After they stepped on, two men helped a wounded soldier on.

"BJ, move," Hawkeye ordered. They both got out of the seat and BJ sat down across the isle as the soldier was set down in the seat. Hawkeye sat down next to him and the two men left. As the bus started moving again Hawkeye looked the man over.

"How is he?" BJ questioned. He could tell just by looking at him that he was in bad shape.

"Not good," Hawkeye answered, still looking him over. "I need some penicillin back here!" Hawkeye called out. He then sighed and looked to BJ. "We're going to need to operate on him as soon as we get back."

"Right back to work huh?" BJ remarked.

"Come on!" Hawkeye yelled, starting to get impatient. "This man can't wait!"

The bottle and a tube were passed back until they got to Hawkeye. "Any one got a knife or something?"

"I've got a pocket knife," Father Mulcahy offered.

"That'll work," Hawkeye responded.

They passed the pocketknife over to Hawkeye. As he started to cut and insert the IV the bus stopped in the bushes.

"What the hell are we doing?" Hawkeye asked.

Colonel Potter stood up. "Shut up Pierce. There's North Koreans out there waiting to take some one hostage," he snapped.

That was the moment that something snapped inside of Hawkeye. He had to get his patient back to the camp to be able to save his life, and they were stopped because the North Koreans needed hostages. This boy might die because they were willing to take doctors who weren't even fighting in the war.

Silence. That was all there was for what seemed like a good minute. Hawkeye sat there and tended to his patient while everyone else just waited. All the sudden, a baby started crying. Hawkeye's eyes widened as he turned to towards the back of the bus. Slowly, he stood up and walked to the back. Everyone looked, but no one questioned him.

He stopped and stood there as he watched the mother try to quiet her baby. There was fear, adrenaline, and anxiety all running through his body at once. He couldn't handle it anymore. "Could you shut that thing up?" he snapped.

The mother tried desperately to hush her baby. "Do something! You want to get us all killed?" Hawkeye warned.

The mother then took her hand and blocked the airways. It was silent. She then looked up at Hawkeye as a tear went down the side of her cheek. Hawkeye's eyes widened as he saw the baby's head go limp and fall back. He stood there in shock as he realized what he had just done. Flooded with guilt and anger towards himself he stood there with a glazed look on his face. He stood there paralyzed by the fear of what he had done and tried as hard as he could to mutter something but found it impossible. Everything around him seemed to stop. He was suddenly able to shake his head and softly muttered incoherent things.

"No," he softly said to himself. His eyes practically bulging out of his head.

BJ decided that it was time to get him. "Come on Hawkeye," he gently offered as he grabbed his arm and lead him back to his seat.

""Maybe I should take care of him," BJ said as he switched seats with Hawkeye.

Hawkeye just sat there and stared. "No," he repeated.


	4. Chapter 4

4 Rebecca

The bus arrived back at the 4007th. Hawkeye was the last one on the bus. He blankly stared as the others got off. BJ got up so that the man could be taken to pre op. BJ followed them. Once he got off the bus he noticed that Hawkeye wasn't with him and turned around and stepped back on. He saw Hawkeye just staring out the window.

"Hawk, you coming?" BJ asked.

Hawkeye quickly turned around and looked at him. He looked as if he had just seen a ghost.

"Yeah," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye stood up at went over to BJ.

"I guess we should go operate on the kid now," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye started to walk off the bus but was stopped when BJ grabbed his shoulder.

"I think you should sit this one out," BJ said.

"Not to be rude, but that's my patient in there," Hawkeye said.

"Hawkeye! You are in no way in any condition to operate!" BJ said.

"Watch me," Hawkeye said as he pushed his way passed BJ.

Hawkeye stood before the patient lying on the cot. Margaret stood by Hawkeye. BJ sat as he started to put the patient under. He picked up the nosepiece and started to put it on him.

"No!" Hawkeye yelled as he grabbed the nosepiece.

"Hawkeye!" Margaret snapped.

"He was trying to kill him!" Hawkeye said.

"Now give me the scalpel," Hawkeye said.

Margaret just stood there and watched Hawkeye. She had never seen him act like that before and didn't know what to say.

"The patient hasn't been put under yet doctor," Margaret said.

"Damn it Margaret," he said as he reached over and grabbed the scalpel.

BJ got up and pulled Hawkeye back.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Hawkeye asked.

"Hawkeye! What is the matter with you? You've seen patients get put under hundreds of times! You know not to operate with out putting them under first," BJ said.

Hawkeye blankly stared at him.

"I'll go get the Colonel," Margaret said.

BJ stood there with Hawkeye.

"Why don't you go get some rest?" BJ suggested.

"Right," Hawkeye said without any emotion what so ever.

Hawkeye walked out of OR. He seemed to be in some sort of trance. Hawkeye walked into the Swamp and laid down on his cot and closed his eyes and quickly fell a sleep.

(_Hawkeye was six years old. He stood in his house in Crabapple Cove. His mom walked in the door carrying a baby. Both of his parents were excited. The next thing he knew his mom was at the table crying as his father put his arm around her. She looked up at him._

"_Rebecca's sick and I don't think that you should go into her room for a while," she said._

_Hawkeye went up into her room any ways and stood over the crib. The baby started to cry._

"_No Rebecca,' he said._

_Hawkeye turned around to check to see if he was still alone._

"_No," he said as he put his hand down and stroked her arm to get her attention._

"_Shush," he said._

_He again checked to make sure that he was still alone. Suddenly the room was silent. Hawkeye smiled and turned around._

"_Thank you," he said._

_Rebecca just laid there. Hawkeye's eyes widened._

"_Rebecca?" he asked getting nervous._

"_No," he said as he backed up fram the crib._

"_No. I killed her. I killed her!" he yelled._)

"I killed her!" he yelled as he shot up.

In a cold sweat and out of breath he looked around. He looked down and noticed that his hands were shaking. Klinger was on his way back from the supplies tent heard Hawkeye and walked in.

"Everything okay in here?" he asked.

Hawkeye blankly stared at him.

"Have you ever been scared?" he asked

Ever since I came here I've been a complete chicken. Why do you think I tried so hard to get out?" Klinger asked.

"No, I mean really really scared, and not know what you're scared of," Hawkeye said.

Klinger just stared at him.

"I don't know what you mean sir,' he said.

"Right," Hawkeye said.

Margaret stood in Colonel Potter's tent.

"Colonel," she called out.

Colonel Potter opened his eyes.

"this better be important," he said still half a sleep.

"It is. It's Hawkeye. He just tried to operate on a patient without putting him under and then when BJ tried to put him under Hawkeye accused him of trying to suffocate the guy," Margaret said.

Colonel Potter sat up and put his glasses on.

"Where is he now?" he asked.

"Still in OR with BJ," Margaret said.

"Come on," he said as he got up and put his robe on.

Colonel Potter followed Margaret. On their way to OR they saw Hawkeye walk pass. They both stopped and watched him.

"Hawkeye?" Margaret asked.

"What?" Hawkeye asked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Going to the officer's club to get a drink," he said.

They both watched him as he passed the officer's club and kept going.

"I'm going to go put through a call to Sidney," Colonel Potter said.

They both walked to his office.

"Klinger!" he called out as he walked in.

"Yes sir?" Klinger asked.

"I need you to put a line through to Sidney Freedman," he said.

Suddenly there was a crash heard from outside. Margaret went and looked outside then turned around.

"You'd better make that call. He just drove a jeep into the Officer's Club," Margaret said.


	5. Chapter 5

5 Sidney's Visit

It was the middle of the night. Sidney had requested to talk to Hawkeye alone in Colonel Potter's office. Every one else waited in the mess tent.

"So what did happen?" Charles asked.

"I think he's gone crazy, and that's coming from a professional," Klinger said.

Hawkeye sat in the room with Sidney. They sat at the desk across from each other. The only light was coming from a small lamp on the desk.

"Let's start with the basics. Is there something bothering you that you'd like to tell me about?" Sidney asked.

"Look, I know what's you're thinking and it's not true. They're all just paranoid," Hawkeye said.

"What am I thinking that's not true?" Sidney asked.

"You think that I'm crazy, but I'm not," Hawkeye said.

"I wasn't thinking that," Sidney said.

"Of course you weren't, that's why you came here to ask me a bunch of questions about how I'm feeling," Hawkeye said.

"People don't need to be crazy for me to talk to them you know," he said.

"In the middle of the night?" Hawkeye asked.

Sidney just sighed.

"Why don't you just tell me about today," Sidney said.

"We all got up and went over to the beach," Hawkeye said.

"And did you have fun?" Sidney asked.

"Yeah. We all had a great time," Hawkeye said.

"What did you do?" Sidney asked.

"We got on the bus and headed over there and we had fun and," Hawkeye said.

"And?" Sidney asked.

"And we had a great time nd then we came back," Hawkeye said.

"Are you sure that's all that happened?" Sidney asked.

"Not exciting enough for you?" Hawkeye asked.

Sidney leaned in.

"Why don't you tell me about what happened in OR today?" Sidney asked.

"BJ tried to suffocate the patient and I stopped him," Hawkeye said.

"Are you sure that BJ just wasn't getting the patient to go to sleep so that you could preform the operation?" Sidney asked.

Hawkeye leaned in. Half of his face was covered in shadow while the other half was flooded with a dim yellow glow. Hawkeye could feel a nervousness through out his body that he was sure he had never felt before.

"I told him not to go near the patient with that thing, and the minute he did, the patient died," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye watched Sidney lean back. He couldn't quite remember today. He kept seeing BJ pick up that mask and hearing himself warning BJ not to go near him with it. The next thing he could remember was standing over the patient in shock and watching BJ back up from him apologizing over and over again.

"I tried to stop him. I know I warned him. I'm sure of it, but he didn't listen to me. No one listens to me. I tell them some one's sick and they act like I'm just a nut with a knife in his hand. Usually people with knives are feared, but they seemed to want to watch my every move once I enetered that room. It was like they didn't want me ther," Hawkeye said.

Sidney leaned back in.

"Hawkeye, that patient didn't die. BJ did the opertaion and he lived," Sidney said.

Hawkeye stared in shock. He could have swore that that patient died. A numbness went through out his entire body and drowned him in a fear. At the moment he really wasn't sure of why he was afraid, he just knew that he was. For some reason things weren't making sense to him. It was almost like trying to read a forgotten language that nobody knew.

"Hawkeye, I'm afraid that you're going to have to come with me," Sidney said.

Hawkeye quickly backed up.

"No! I'm a skilled surgeon who is needed here!" Hawkeye said.

"Hawkeye," Sidney said.

"NO! Never!" Hawkeye yelled.

Hawkeye went and slammed the door as he left the room. He went across tha compound trying to remember the inncident in OR. Hawkeye entered the mess tent and stood before everyone. They all looked up at him. Margaret looked up and saw him. His eyes larger then normal filled with both anger and confusion. She watched him with confusion as he seemed to search for something.

"BJ!" he said.

BJ just widened his eyes.

"Yes?" he asked.

"BJ, BJ, BJ," Hawkeye said as he walked around the table and sat down by him.

"BJ. The man who didn't listen, the guilty party. May I ask a favor of you?" Hawkeye asked.

"What is it Hawk?" BJ asked.

"Could you please explain to Sidney what happened today in OR?" Hawkeye asked.

Sidney walked in the door and stood before the table.

"Hello Hawkeye. Did you think that I wouldn't find you here?" Sidney asked.

"Here's your chance," Hawkeye said looking at BJ.

BJ nervously looked at Hawkeye and then up at Sidney.

"I don't know what to say," BJ said.

"Come on Hawkeye," Sidney said.

"I am not going with you! Why don't you take Klinger? I'm sure he'd love to go," Hawkeye said.

Colonel Potter stood up.

"Come on Hawkeye, the sooner you go the sooner you'll come back. Now you won't do us any good here for a while," he said.

Hawkeye just looked up at him. He couldn't understand why everyone was against him. Hawkeye calmly stood up.

"Fine, if you don't want me here I'm sure some other unit will," Hawkeye said as he walked out.

Sidney followed him leaving them as they just stared in Hawkeye's direction.


	6. Chapter 6

6 I Don't Know

Hawkeye went and sat down on his cot in his tent. The dark room was silent. Staring, he nervously thought about what was going to happen to him. He knew that some how Sidney was going to get him to the mental hospital. Even thought he was nervous, he didn't know why. It wasn't like he enjoyed being at the 4077th. The only reason he ever had any fun was because of the people he was with, but he could do that any where. Sidney slowly opened the door and peeked in on him.

"Hey there," he said as he walked in and closed the door behind him.

Hawkeye turned around and saw him.

"You want to tell me why you're so scared to leave?" Sidney asked.

Hawkeye looked up into his eyes. It was like there was something familiar, but he couldn't quite think of it, like something wasn't allowing him to remember.

"I don't know," he said.

"Are you sure about that?" Sidney asked.

Hawkeye stood up and turned to face him.

"Look! What do you want from me? I tell you exactly what I know and you still want more! Let me tell you something. I'm not crazy. Oh no, you just think that there's more going on then there really is don't you? Maybe getting a little bored back at the office huh?" Hawkeye asked.

Sidney looked down as if he were about ready to laugh but then looked back up at Hawkeye with sincerity.

"I wish I were," Sidney said.

Hawkeye went and sat back down on the cot and grabbed a drink from the still. As he sipped at his drink he felt like he was being watched, which he probably was, but didn't feel like looking up to see Sidney standing there watching him. All it would do is make him more nervous then he already was. He was unreasonably irritable and felt as if everyone was out to get him. He knew the minute that he finished that drink that Sidney would be on his back to get his things and get in that jeep to go with him.

"Hawkeye," Sidney said.

Hawkeye just remained staring forward.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"You that no matter what, you're going to have to come with me sooner or later," Sidney said.

"Why don't you take Klinger? I'm sure he would volunteer for it any ways," Hawkeye said.

"True, but he isn't the one that I'm concerned about at the moment," Sidney.

"Why would I concern you?" Hawkeye asked.

"According to the others you've been acting unlike yourself," Sidney said.

At that moment Hawkeye looked up at Sidney with surprise.

"Others?" he asked.

"What others? Who told you that I was crazy?" Hawkeye asked.

"Why does it matter? It doesn't change what's happening to you," Sidney said.

Hawkeye stood up and walked a few steps closer to Sidney. His ice blue eyes which were now glossed over widened with a true sincerity, almost like a sorrow that a child shows when they have broken something very expensive.

"Who was it that told you that I was crazy? Please, I need to know who told you," Hawkeye said.

Sidney looked down for a minute.

"Colonel Potter and Major Houlihan," he said.

Hawkeye's face completely fell with disappointment and betrayal. Yesterday night she and Hawkeye were enjoying each other's company and having a great time with each other, now he felt as if she had told on him to get rid of him. Every once of trust that he had ever placed in them had just let him. A feeling of paranoia completely washed over him like a tidal wave suddenly hitting. He remembered the OR. He remembered Margaret not listening, taking BJ's side. They both wanted that patient dead and he wanted the patient to live. With knowing this he naturally thought that they wanted him out of the way so they could kill him. What other reason was there? Maybe Sidney wanted the same thing. But why that patient? He had seen everyone else with the other patients and not do anything to harm them, what was so different about this one? Hawkeye's face lit up with realization.

"You want him dead don't you?" Hawkeye asked.

"What?" Sidney asked suddenly getting worried.

"That boy in there. You all want me gone so I don't get in your way. Well it's not going to work!" Hawkeye yelled.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sidney said.

"Right, take their side," Hawkeye said.

Sidney kept his hand in his pocket. In his pocket he kept a sedative. He knew that sooner or later he would have to use it.

"You know what? You're right, go on over to post op and stay with him," Sidney said.

"Thank you," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye turned towards the door and started to leave, but Sidney took the shot and gave it to him.

Hawkeye opened his eyes and saw streaks of sunlight shining through the window that was right next to his bed. The room was a grayish color and seemed small to him. He sat up and looked around as he tried to remember what had happened the night before.

"Probably got plastered," he said to himself.

Hawkeye went over to the door and opened it. Sidney stood outside talking to one of the nurses.

"Bye Sidney, thanks for letting me spend the night. I'd better get back before Potter gets mad," Hawkeye said.

Sidney looked over.

"Oh no you don't," he said as he grabbed Hawkeye's arm and led him back into the room.

"Why can't I leave? I might be needed back at the camp," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye watched as Sidney gave him a look of confusion.

"Don't you remember last night?" Sidney asked.

"No," Hawkeye said.

"I think I might have gotten drunk or something and ended up here," Hawkeye said.

"I see," Sidney said.

"You make that sound like that's a bad thing," Hawkeye said.

"It's not," Sidney said.

"Now look, it was nice chatting with you, but I really better get back to camp. They might get wounded soon," Hawkeye said.

"No, you were ordered to stay here," Sidney said.

"What?" Hawkeye asked as he desperately tried to remember the night before.

He suddenly became scared of what was going on.

"You were sent to stay here," Sidney said.

Hawkeye looked down. The last thing he could remember was sitting on the beach. The rest was just missing. He figured that he had just gotten drunk at the beach and that's why nothing came to mind. He looked up and smirked at Sidney.

"Very funny, now I really have to go now," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye started to walk but Sidney grabbed his shoulder. Hawkeye looked up into Sidney's eyes.

"Now Hawkeye, I really need for you to stay here. Just for a little while now. Okay?" Sidney asked.

"Damn it Sidney. Don't you know when you're taking something to far? Now let me go back," Hawkeye said.

"No, now come with me," Sidney said.

"You happen to be locking up a very valuable surgeon and costing some of those kids their lives!" Hawkeye said.

Sidney took Hawkeye back into his room. Hawkeye went and sat down on the cot. Hawkeye just sat there and stared out the window. Nothing was making sense to him. It made him wonder if every one around him had lost it and they thought he was crazy because he was the only sane one. The next week was spent with Sidney coming into Hawkeye's room and asking him if he wanted to talk. Hawkeye didn't know what to talk about. To him it seemed as if Sidney was looking for something. As if Sidney thought that he knew something in particular. He sat there with the sun shining on half of his face. He felt menaced by the way that Sidney was looking at him.

"Well?" Hawkeye asked finally giving in.

"Well what?" Sidney asked.

"What do you well what? You've been sitting there staring at me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but most people don't like it when you stare at them. It kind of bothers them if you know what I mean," Hawkeye said.

"Is there maybe something that you'd like to talk about?" Sidney asked.

"With a man who stares at me like I'm some kind of circus freak? No," Hawkeye said.

"You're just being stubborn," Sidney said.

"There is nothing to talk about. I'm fine! I think it's you who needs the help," Hawkeye said.

Out in the hall Margaret was making her way to his room. She was dressed up and had her purse with her. In a little bit she was going to go off to Tokyo and see about being stationed there. As she followed the nurse she examined the halls. It was dark and somewhat depressing. It made her realize why some one wouldn't want to stay there. Margaret was nervous about going to see Hawkeye. The last time she saw him he was accusing BJ of trying to kill his patient and at the moment he might blame her too since she was there. They both came to a door and stopped. Margaret opened the door and poked her head in.

"Hi Hawkeye," she said.

Hawkeye turned and looked. To Margaret he had looked as if he hadn't slept for days.

"Hi," he said.

Margaret walked in and looked over at Sidney.

"Do you mind if I had a moment alone with him?" Margaret asked.

"Sure," Sidney said.

"Well Margaret, this isn't the place," Hawkeye said.

Margaret wanted to get mad at him for the comment, but she didn't know how he would handle it. Ignoring the comment she went and sat down on the cot across from him. Hawkeye didn't know what to think of her coming to see him. She was his first visitor.

"How are you?" she asked.

Immediately she hated her self from asking once she saw Hawkeye's look of annoyance towards her.

"Just dandy. How are you?" he asked.

"Fine," she said.

They both sat in silence for a minute. Hawkeye sat there and tried to figure out what was going on.

"Remember that job offer I got from Tokyo?" she asked.

"Yeah?" Hawkeye asked not quite sure of what she was talking about.

"Well, today I'm leaving for Tokyo to give it a try," Margaret said.

"Good for you," Hawkeye said.

Margaret just watched him for a minute. She was sure that the first thing to come out of his mouth would have been about trying to kill the patient. He seemed like he was doing a little better, but not to much improvement. Hawkeye noticed her looking at him. He didn't want to say anything because he figured that she was probably just going to ask something stupid like if he wanted to talk. This too did not make any sense to him. He wasn't back at camp. Honestly he wouldn't have known if she was gone. He's stuck there and at the moment it felt as if were going to be stuck there through out the entire rest of the war. Margaret stood up.

"Well, I'm going to go now. Bye," she said as she walked out the door.

Hawkeye watched her leave and noticed a small note book fall out of her purse.

"Margaret!" he called out.

It was too late. There was no answer. Margaret who was walking down the hall did hear him, but she didn't know if she could go back and spend any more time with him while he was like this. It was just to uncomfortable for her. Hawkeye went and picked the note book up. He stood there and looked around and then started to flip through the pages and noticed that it was her diary. He knew he shouldn't look through that but he figured that if anything important happened over the last few days that it would be written down and he could figure out why he was there. He started to go through the pages and stopped at one. His eyes widened with fear and confusion. He looked up and stared blankly towards the doorway.


	7. Chapter 7

7 Margaret's Secret

Hawkeye sat in the room holding Margaret's diary as he kept reading over the page. Sidney walked in and closed the door behind him. He stood there and watched Hawkeye for a moment. Hawkeye looked up at him and noticed.

"What's that?" Sidney asked.

"Proof that every one thinks that I'm crazy," Hawkeye said.

"What do you mean?" Sidney asked as he walked towards Hawkeye and sat on the cot across from him.

Hawkeye looked up at him and examined his face. Right now, he didn't trust any one. He checked Sidney's expression. All he found was pure interest. Interest in what he had been reading. He could handle that. Besides, it was a hell of a lot better then getting asked about what happened when nothing ever did happen.

"Do you know what this is? This happens to be Margaret Houlihan's own personal diary where nothing is lied about and everything is true. This is her own thoughts and no one can say that they're not true," Hawkeye said.

"Do you really think t hat you should be reading that?" Sidney asked.

"Why? You want to know everything personal about me," Hawkeye said.

"Alright then. How about you read to me. What bothered you?" Sidney asked.

Hawkeye looked down at the book.

"It has been about a week since we came back from the beach and Hawkeye went crazy. I really do feel bad for him. I'd hate to be the one stuck there. I hope he gets back soon. We all miss him. Tomorrow I have to go to Tokyo. Hawkeye was the one that encouraged me to go in the first place. At first I didn't want to go, but he suggested that I at least try it out," Hawkeye read aloud.

Hawkeye looked up at Sidney and waited for him to say something. He figured that he himself always had to speak so since he had already spoken it was some one else's to.

"It sounds like she's worried about you," Sidney said.

"I know. She thinks that I'm crazy," Hawkeye said.

"Is it really that bad for her to worry about you?" Sidney asked.

"It is when it's based on rumors that she had heard about me," Hawkeye said.

"How do you know that is was a rumor? How do you know that she doesn't really think that you are crazy?" Sidney asked.

"I don't know, but it gets worse. Listen to this," Hawkeye said and then started to read again.

"There is also another reason that I need to go there tomorrow. I think I'm pregnant with Hawkeye's baby, but I'm not sure. I really do wish that I could tell him, but I don't know how he would handle it right now," Hawkeye read.

Hawkeye looked up. At the moment he felt very irritated and betrayed. For some reason news about a baby bothered him and he didn't know why, which actually just made him more irritated. Then to hear that Margaret didn't want to tell him made him feel like she didn't want anything to do with him, or worse that everyone around him was keeping things from him. Any news they had, what was going on back at camp, and worst of all, why he was there in the first place. Now he questioned whether or not Sidney actually knew what was wrong but wouldn't tell him. He figured that if she didn't want to tell him about his own baby there must be a reason. Only, to him the reason really didn't matter. All he knew was that he wanted out and that secrets were definitely being kept from him.

"Why does that bother you?" Sidney asked with interest.

"They're all keeping secrets from me! Nobody trusts me and they're all lying to me! I don't know why I'm here and I just figured that maybe they didn't know either! But now I know that they all just put on an act! How the hell do you think that makes me feel!" Hawkeye asked.

"Why don't you give her a call tonight and straighten things out?" Sidney asked.

"Why would she tell me anything now?" Hawkeye asked.

"Because now you know. There's no lying to some one once they know the truth," Sidney said.

"I'll think about it," Hawkeye said.

Margaret walked into her hotel room and sat down on the bed. She was both tired and upset. She laid down and reached for her purse. Once she grabbed hold of it she felt around for her diary. It wasn't there. Her eyes widened in nervousness.

"Oh no," she said as she sat up.

Margaret dumped her purse out onto her bed.

"It's not there," she said.

Margaret tried to remember what she did and where it could possibly be. It would be best if she had just some how left it in her tent.

"Where could it be?" she asked her self.

Margaret slowly looked up.

"Oh God no," she said.

Margaret suddenly remembered Hawkeye calling for her. Margaret went to the phone and started to dial.

Back in the hospital Hawkeye stood pacing as he kept looking through the diary. It seemed as if everything were clear to him now. As if he had some sort of understanding of what was really going on. Sidney came in.

"You've got a phone call," he said.

"Alright," Hawkeye said as he put the book down and headed to the door.

Margaret sat nervously on her bed as she waited to hear a voice.

"Hello?" Hawkeye asked.

"Hawkeye? It's Margaret," she said.

"Oh, it's you," Hawkeye said.

"I need to ask you something?" she said.

"First I have a question. Did some one by any chance forget to mention that the rabbit died?" Hawkeye asked.

Margaret cringed at that question. Now she knew that he indeed did have the diary and he did read it. She knew that there was many things in there that he would want answers to and didn't know how to answer that.

"Hawkeye, the rabbit's alive. There is nothing for you to worry about," she said.

"So that makes it all better?" he asked.

"Hawkeye, there is no baby. Doesn't that make you feel just a little bit better? There was nothing to tell you about. It's like telling some one that you think you're going to die and then you end up out living them. It's pointless," Margaret said.

"Is it so pointless to tell me anything?" Hawkeye asked.

"Hawkeye! There was nothing to tell you!" Margaret said.

"If you were pregnant would you have told me?" Hawkeye asked.

"I'd tell you when you got back," Margaret said.

"I'm sure you would," he said.

Margaret just sighed. She had no idea what to tell him. What do you say to some one who doesn't trust you? More importantly, what do you tell some one who just heard news that they couldn't handle? Sure there was no baby, but Margaret had a feeling that he wouldn't let her forget that she hid things from him while he was there.

"Look Hawkeye. I have to get going, I'll come see you when I get back from Tokyo. Okay?" Margaret asked.

"Right," Hawkeye said.

They both hung up. Margaret sat there and sadly stared at the bed as a tear started in her eye.

"They say the war is going to end and that everyone gets to finally go on with their life. Huh. Not me, because hey, I'm not pregnant, I just may have cancer. That's all," she said as tears started to streak her face.


	8. Chapter 8

8 Never The Same

(_Hawkeye was six years old. He stood in the hospital as he watched a doctor talk to his parents. They both looked sad as his father had his arm around his mom who was crying._

"_I'm sorry, she didn't make it," he said._

_He stood in the cemetery and looked down at the grave. Slowly he walked forward and put a flower down on top of it as a tear went down his face._

_Hawkeye was kneeling down in side of a confessional._

"_I didn't mean to. It was an accident. I swear. I would have never done such a thing. I didn't mean to!"_)

Hawkeye woke up. Out of breath he sat up and looked around the room which had a light glow coming from the window. He remembered where he was and brushed the hair back from his face. He could still feel the sweat and examined his hand. He looked out the window. There was something about that dream that truly disturbed him. It seemed as if he had already had that dream and had forgotten about it. Like some kind of déjà vu type deal. Concentrating he tried to remember why that whole thing was so familiar to him. To him of course, this was no surprise. Everything seemed to be weird to him. He was being put away for no reason, every one was keeping secrets from him and he keeps getting asked to talk about something that he doesn't know about. Why should this surprise him? Hawkeye just gave up on trying to remember and laid back down. He figured that once he woke back up he would either have it figured out or he would just forget about it, which he is told he forgot about the day that he was at the beach. He heard that he was some how traumatized. From what? No one seemed to know. He figured that he had just gotten drunk, and why not? That seems like a logical explanation. But the problem was that right now nothing seemed logical and everything is seemingly something. Nothing is for sure.

Margaret was in her hotel room in Tokyo nervously pacing the floor awaiting a phone call from the hospital. She had had some tests done and wanted to know the results. Part of her just wanted to get the call over with, while the other part of her just wanted to forget about it. To her, it was almost a fifty-fifty chance. Either she did have cancer or didn't. In the middle of her pacing she stopped and looked at the phone.

"Why don't you just call already?" she asked softly.

Margaret went and sat down on her bed and rested her elbows on her knees. Staring at the phone she wondered how the rest of her life would go. Defiantly, she would be heading back to the 4077th tomorrow. She had tried working at the Tokyo General, but found that she liked working at the 4077th. The thing that concerned her was how it was going to be once she got home. She had been getting letters from her dad telling her that she could work here, or that there was a great offer over there. If she didn't have cancer she could go and do all of that, but if she did, she might get to do any of that. Margaret sighed and rested her head in hands. The room was completely silent. It felt as if time were dragging on. Seconds to minutes, and minutes to hours. The silence was suddenly broken by the phone ringing. Margaret jumped up and answered it.

"Hello?" she asked nervously.

Margaret listened anxiously.

"Thank you," Margaret said.

Margaret hung up the phone and stared blankly at the wall. The longest hours in her life had just come to an end. Nothing had ever been like this.

"I have cancer," she said as a tear went down her cheek.

Margaret went and grabbed a pad of paper and a pen. She slowly walked over to the bed and sat down as she started writing.

_Dear Dad,_

_I never thought that I'd be writing a letter like this to you. I am very thankful that you took the time to find spots for me to further my career, but I'm afraid that I cannot take any of them. A little while ago I got an offer to come and work at the Tokyo General for the rest of the war. While I was there trying it out I started feeling sick. At first I thought it was something simple like the flu, but then it kept going. Dad, tonight I got a phone call. I have cancer. I wish I didn't have to tell you this through a letter, but this is the only I could ever tell any one. I look forward to seeing you once I get home._

_Love,_

Margaret 

Margaret looked the letter over and then put the pen down. All she could do was stare at it. It all seemed like a bad dream. She felt nothing really. It hadn't quite hit her yet. She knew what was going to happen. She knew what was going on. Yet, it was almost like she had just gone numb trying to convince herself that this wasn't really happening. Margaret put the letter onto the nightstand and lay down.

Hawkeye sat in the rec. room as he watched every one else. They all seemed to be something that they weren't. There was a man who thought that he was Clark Gable and another who was sure that they were George Washington in the Revolutionary War and kept watch for the red coats. A man came over and sat down across from Hawkeye. Hawkeye looked over at him.

"Hey," he said.

He still felt very paranoid and wasn't sure of who to trust.

"Hey," he said.

Hawkeye looked him over and noticed that he to was a patient.

"By any chance, were you brought here against your will?" Hawkeye asked.

"I don't know. All I can remember was waking up here," he said.

This defiantly sparked Hawkeye's interest.

"Me to. They claim that I had lost it, but I can't remember the day before I got here," Hawkeye said.

"I can remember what happened right before I was brought in. Me and my buddy, Hank, we were walking down the road towards where we were supposed to go. I can't remember. Any ways, we were found by these Koreans and taken prisoner. He was very weak and we knew that this wouldn't last very long at all. He took us to his shelter or what ever you want to call it to grab something. He had us wait at a table. We looked and saw this partly opened room. There was a couple of men in there. One of them was another buddy of mine that had disappeared the month earlier. He was dead. Frail, very white, I don't know, I just," he sighed and thought for a moment.

"I don't know," he said.

Hawkeye just watched him. He felt sorry for this guy. The last week he hadn't felt sorry for any one. He just thought that every one was out to get him.

"I'm sorry," Hawkeye said.

"Thanks," he said.

"I couldn't imagine going through something like that," Hawkeye said.

"Think of this way. Have you ever seen some one dead and feel completely responsible for it?" he asked.

Hawkeye thought for a moment.

"Rebecca," he said.

He didn't know why he had forgotten about that. It all suddenly hit him. The dream was about Rebecca. He was now more confused then ever. Now he didn't understand the dreams that he was having.

"What?" he asked.

"Rebecca. When I was around five I had a baby sister, her name was Rebecca. Not long after she was born she fell very ill. My parents had told me that it best that I leave her alone. Well, she was my sister and I wanted to see what was wrong. I went into her bedroom and tried to see for myself. While I was there she died. My parents told me that I wasn't my fault, that it would have happened any way, but I didn't believe that," Hawkeye said.

"Sorry to you to," he said.

"Yeah," Hawkeye said.


	9. Chapter 9

9 Pink Roses

Hawkeye was again sitting in his room with Sidney. This time they were sitting in the two chairs that were in the room.

"So this dream you had, do you think it has something to do with what's bothering you?" Sidney asked.

Hawkeye just looked at him. He truly didn't know what to think. That dream was something that really happened a long time ago. Besides, he figured that every one else already knew what had happened to him. They must have had a reason for locking him up. He didn't think he needed to be there though, and this was about to prove it. If Sidney couldn't tell him why he's there, then either he's lying or there is no reason. Odds are, that he's doing both. He hadn't talked to any one from the 4077th in a while.

"I don't know. You tell me, you're the psychiatrist," Hawkeye said.

"True, but I can't tell you what's wrong until you open up," Sidney said.

Hawkeye had learned that getting mad or irritated didn't help. He felt that they were all playing a game, so he thought that he'd join in on it. First, he had to figure out what they were playing. They wanted to convince him that he was crazy. He really couldn't do something that elaborate to a psychiatrist could he? You could, but he really didn't know how. He had to think of something different then what they were doing to him. What would irritate all of them? Get worse. Just for a little bit. He didn't want to be in there for ever, but he figured that at least while he was in there he could have himself some fun if tried. Hawkeye leaned forward.

"Maybe it's because of what I saw you doing to that poor kid yesterday," Hawkeye said.

"What?" Sidney asked.

"You know. Man Sidney, just because he's Korean doesn't give you the right to torture him," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye watched Sidney. He had the same look on his face that he had had the whole entire time. It was almost like being in some Alfred Hitchcock movie. It was as if he didn't want any one to know what he was thinking.

"Yeah, and what did I do that was so bad?" Sidney asked.

Hawkeye at that moment knew that he knew. He had to think extremely quick.

"You took him as your slave and told him to dig his own grave just incase he didn't do your chores right," Hawkeye said.

"Just one question, how did you witness this if the only time I saw you yesterday was here?" Sidney asked.

"That wasn't the only time we met. Remember? Outside?" Hawkeye asked.

"What were we doing out side?" Sidney asked.

"You don't remember? You must be traumatized from the whole ordeal. You better go next door to the empty room and talk to yourself about it," Hawkeye said.

"Hawkeye," Sidney said.

"What?" Hawkeye asked.

"Why don't you tell me the truth?" Sidney asked.

"How'd you know?" Hawkeye asked.

"Don't you think that I can tell when a patient makes things up?" Sidney asked.

"I guess," Hawkeye said.

"Now why don't you give the truth a try?" Sidney asked.

"Because I don't know what the hell you're looking for," Hawkeye said.

He can honestly say that he was sick and tired of this. He hated being locked up and he hated people thinking that he was crazy when he was the only sane one there.

"I just want you to tell the truth. The sooner you get things out in the open the sooner you will be able to get out of here," Sidney said.

"Alright. Here it goes. I honestly don't know what the dream has to do with anything. But, I do know that when I was about five, six. I had a baby sister, her name was Rebecca. She lived about eight months before she died. I was the last one to see her before she died. My parents told me not to go into her room, but I did. For the longest time I had felt guilty for her death," Hawkeye said.

"Do you still feel that way?" Sidney asked.

"I don't know. I haven't thought about it in a long time," Hawkeye said.

Actually, he had been thinking about it all day. He just didn't know what to think of it. All he was, was confused. He wasn't irritated, yet. Most of the time, here he was irritated and or paranoid. He was still paranoid. It would take a while for him to gain trust back in any one right now. But, he had no choice. He just decided to talk when he was asked to speak. He felt almost like a puppet. But what was he going to do about it? He hated that feeling. He was to sit there and pour out his feelings about every little thing the very second he was asked to and he couldn't do a thing about it. That irritated him. Hawkeye just looked up at Sidney.

"Do I have to tell you every little thing?" Hawkeye asked.

"I'm afraid so," Sidney said.

That was the answer he hated the most. Yes Hawkeye, I need to know everything, but don't worry, it's for your own good.

"You know I'll never forgive you for this," Hawkeye said.

"That's fine with me," Sidney said.

There was a knock at the door and Margaret cracked the door open.

"May I come in please?" Margaret asked.

"Sure," Sidney said.

Margaret walked in and stood before Hawkeye. She could tell that he was mad about something, but she figured that he had just been grumpy ever since he showed up there.

"Hi Hawkeye," she said.

Hawkeye looked up at her. He saw a sympathetic look in her eyes but all he felt was betrayal and anger. She kept things from him and accused him of being crazy. She basically came out said that she didn't trust him.

"Hey," he said bitterly.

"About the diary," Margaret said.

Hawkeye looked over at Sidney.

"May we have a minute?" Hawkeye asked.

Sidney looked over at Margaret who nodded at him. They both watched as Sidney left. Margaret looked down at Hawkeye. She didn't know what to say about the diary. First off, that was her thoughts and he shouldn't have been reading that any ways. But getting mad at him would not help anything at all now. Actually, it might just make things worse. She was nervous about making things worse.

Hawkeye looked up at her. He hated what he had read in that diary and at the moment he hated her. There was nothing that she could do or say to take back what ever she had written.

"What about it?" he asked.

"I was wondering if I could have it back," she said.

"Let me guess. So you can write about how Hawkeye did this and Hawkeye did that and now Hawkeye's lost his mind and I can't trust him any more? Sure. Here, and while you're at it, why don't you write down that you're all glad that I'm gone now. It make a great page turned," Hawkeye said as he handed it to her.

Hawkeye knew exactly what she was going to put in there. How much Hawkeye has made her feel uncomfortable or how he's some kind of lunatic. The thing he hated most about being locked up was carrying the label of a crazy person. No one's ever trusted or listened to a crazy person. Now he might not even be trusted to go back into OR. And can you blame them? A guy is said to go nuts and they lock him up, what are they supposed to think?

Margaret took the diary. She hated seeing Hawkeye like this. This was not the man that she had first arrived to. The man she first met when she arrived was joker, a drinker, and a womanizer. Even though those are always the things that a woman looks for in a man, he had a side to him that would help you out if you truly needed it. She missed the old Hawkeye. The one that she had spent the night with a few weeks ago. The one that laughed with her and held her close. Not the one who took everything personally and was always irritated.

"Thank you," she said as she put it into her purse.

The room became silent.

"You know, there is no baby. I got tested. You could even come with me to get a second test if you need any proof," Margaret said.

"Why do you think that I'd need to do that? Unlike some people I can trust others," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye knew that he trusted no one at all. He just wanted to make a point. How could you trust some one that doesn't tell you what they really think?

"I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have even been reading this in the first place," Margaret said.

"But I did and that makes me a horrible person?" Hawkeye asked.

"I never even suggested that," Margaret said.

"You know what you wrote? You basically said that I'm crazy and that you can't trust me. Last time was just some little act you put on wasn't it? Sure I'll be your friend, I just won't be honest with you," Hawkeye said.

"I do to trust you. Last time I was the one who asked to be alone wasn't I? I wouldn't be alone with some one that I didn't trust! I just didn't tell you because I was scared! Did you ever consider that? No. I bet that's the only part you read to isn't it? Not the part where I was thankful for you during our night while we were both stuck together in that abandoned hut or the time you helped me get through the shelling when we had to go back to camp alone to operate," Margaret said.

Hawkeye just watched her. He didn't know why she was upset, he was the one that had things hidden from him, and she was the one hiding them. He could remember all of that. That's why at this moment he believed her. For the first time in a few weeks, he believed some one. Even if he really didn't trust her, he did believe her. He was still mad at her and hated what she did though.

Margaret stood there. She did trust him, she just didn't want to hurt him. The thing that hurt most was, he was right. She was keeping things from him. He wasn't the only one that she kept things from, but he was one of them. And she was scared. She was scared that this could be the last time that she would see Hawkeye if the war didn't end soon. The doctor told her to start getting treatment with in the month. She wasn't going to tell any one that. The only person that she told was her father, but only because she felt that he deserved to know.

"You're right, I didn't read the whole thing. Would you like me to?" Hawkeye asked.

"No," she said.

"No baby," Hawkeye said.

"No," Margaret said.

"You sure?" Hawkeye asked.

"I'm sure," she said.

"Why? Did you want one?" she asked.

Hawkeye looked up. He didn't know what is was, but the idea of a baby made him feel very uneasy.

"No," Hawkeye said.

Margaret sat down on the bed across from him.

"I was the baby of the family so I never got to help take care of one," Margaret said.

Hawkeye looked up. All he could think about was standing over the crib of little Rebecca.

"You were an only child weren't you?" Margaret asked.

Margaret didn't know why, but she was curious. And why shouldn't she ask? He had already read her private thoughts. A couple of questions about his childhood shouldn't be a bad thing.

Hawkeye personally didn't like the question at all. He just kept thinking about Rebecca. True he was an older brother for what, eight months? But the rest of his life he was an only child. He decided just to go ahead and tell her the truth. Everyone else knew by now. Besides, it would probably get her to stop asking questions.

"Most of the time yes," Hawkeye said.

"What do you mean by just most of the time?" Margaret asked.

"I used to have a baby sister before she died," Hawkeye said.

"How old?" Margaret asked.

"I was about five or six. She wasn't even a year," Hawkeye said.

"I see. I'm sorry," Margaret said.

"The funny thing is that when she was born my mom was given pink roses. At the funeral those were the flowers on her grave. Pink roses. Given to her at the beginning of her life and at the end of her life," Hawkeye said.

"May I ask you one more thing?" Margaret asked.

"You're enjoying this aren't you? Sure why not?" Hawkeye asked.

"What was her name?" Margaret asked.

"Rebecca," Hawkeye said.

Margaret stood up.

"I'm sorry about Rebecca and I'm sorry that I have upset you. But I do miss you," Margaret said.

"I'm sure of it," he said.

"You still mad about the diary?" Margaret asked.

"Yes," Hawkeye said.

"I see," she said.

"Well I have to get going no," she said.

"Bye," she said and then walked out the door.

Hawkeye sat there and watched her. Wondering why she suddenly became so nosy. He quickly ignored it though. Everyone became nosy, why should she be any different?

Margaret stepped out into the hall and saw Sidney standing there.

"Hi," she said.

"Hello," he said.

"I guess my diary caused a little trouble didn't it," she said.

Sidney widened his eyes as he nodded.

"Did he tell you that there was no baby?" Margaret asked.

"Yes he did," he said.

"Well, I have to get going," Margaret said.

"Alright, bye," Sidney said.

Margaret walked down the hall until she heard a door close. She then turned back and looked. It was an empty hall. She had never felt so uncomfortable in her life and she never wanted to go throught that again. She turned back and then continued walking.


	10. Chapter 10

10 No Reason

Margaret returned to camp to see BJ getting excited because he was being sent home. He came over to the jeep and handed her the letter.

"Margaret! Do you know what this is?" he asked.

"No I don't," she said as she opened the letter and read it.

"Congratulations," she said.

"Now I get to make it home for my daughter's second birthday," BJ said.

"That's great BJ. Tell Erin happy birthday for me," she said.

"I will," BJ said.

Margaret just smiled at him. She was happy for him. But a small part of her was jealous. When everybody else got home they had either a job, a family, or both to go back to. They were able to look forward to catching up with their lives and enjoy the things that they had missed while they were here. She got to go back and start treatments for cancer with out knowing whether or not she'll live through it.

Margaret grabbed her things and went to her tent. She went and sat down at her desk and started to write in her diary.

July 20 1953 

Last week was spent over in Tokyo. I was offered a job as a nurse there for the remainder of the war. As I said, I needed to get a pregnancy test. Negative. For a while I felt very relieved. Not that I wouldn't want a baby, some day, when I'm married and the father isn't in the mental hospital. Then I was nervous again. The doctor told me that he was concerned about the fact that I had been getting sick often and was having trouble keeping food down. He told me that I might have cancer. I got tested. Yes. It was suggested that I start treatment with in the next month. It was as if I was told that nothing I do from now matters. Either way, I'm going to have to quit nursing so all of those offers and openings that my father wrote to me about will all have to be pushed aside. The reason that I haven't written in a while is because I dropped my diary while I was with Hawkeye. He got a hold of it. He was very upset and had lost trust with me. I'd love to know what is going through his head.

Margaret put the pen down and looked up. She was right. At the moment nothing mattered. There were no casualties and once she got back they wouldn't want a sick nurse to be taking care of the patients. All of the time that she had spent working her way up in her career was about to come to an end. It made her think of what she had really done so far in her life. All that came to mind was the army. Was that really all? There was no marriage, except for Donald, but that was nothing to brag about. There were no kids. What was there? The time she joined the army? Was that what she had to look back on if she was to die soon? Even though that did disappoint her at all seemed like it didn't matter. She could have done anything in her life and nothing would change the fact that she was indeed sick. Nothing. She could have made Colonel, and she would still be sick. It reminded her of an Edgar Allan Poe story that they had discussed in her class once. It was the Mask of the Red Death. She was told that the main message behind it was that, no matter who you are, death will find you. She just rested her head down on the desk and started to cry.

Hawkeye sat on his cot. The sun was shining through the window and illuminated the side of his face.

"Why don't you try just telling me what you do remember about the day that you went to the beach?" Sidney asked.

Again with the beach. That question annoyed him the most. What was he supposed to say? He went to the beach, sat there for a while, and then blacked out or something? What? Sidney already had heard what he knew. They went to the beach. That was supposed to help him? Telling some one he went to the beach? None of this made any sense to him. He was also mad because he and the man he had talked to had become friends and today he was leaving. His name was Ron and he was leaving him there. He was extremely jealous. Of course he just told Ron good luck, but on the inside he wanted to kill the one who made that decision. Who did decided that? And who the hell was he to say that one man was sane while the other was crazy? No one can make any kind of choice like that. He knew that deep down he wasn't crazy. He'd admit that he wasn't completely normal and that he was slightly out there, but he sure as hell wasn't crazy. Besides, what was normal any ways?

"We went to the beach," Hawkeye said.

"And?" Sidney asked.

How did he know that that question was coming?

"And then we went back. You know, like Ron got to," Hawkeye said.

"He told you?" Sidney asked.

"You bet he did," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye sat there. He figured that Sidney was about to ask him how that made him feel, and he was about to answer. He devilishly grinned as he awaited the infamous question to leave Sidney's mouth. This one he would actually enjoy. Getting to yell at some one with good reason and not getting in trouble for it. What else could you hope for in a situation like that? It's not like any one ever expected him to act like a sane person.

"Do you by any chance remember getting on the bus to go back?" Sidney asked.

Hawkeye's grin completely disappeared. He could he? He took away the only moment of enjoyment that he could ever accomplish in this place. One moment and it's gone. Now what? Everyone now suddenly knew how to get to him. That's what they did at night. Wonder how they could bother Hawkeye. Drive the mad man crazy.

"No," Hawkeye said.

"Try," Sidney said.

Hawkeye sat back and really thought. All he could truly remember was sitting down and BJ sitting down next to him as they discussed going home, or something like that.

"I sat next to BJ and we talked about going home," Hawkeye said.

Sidney just sighed.

"Did BJ maybe bring up something else?" Sidney asked.

"I can't remember! What is it with you? I tell you I can't remember and you keep drilling me on it! It's like trying to start a bus with out any gas! It's pointless! If some one doesn't know they don't know! What else is there to tell you?" he asked.

This blow up made Hawkeye feel extremely good. It was exactly what he had needed. With out it he would have just sat there angry at Sidney. He watched to see what Sidney was going to do.

"I see," he said.

"That's all?" Hawkeye asked.

That whole entire time he was angry about the questions and after one blow up he stopped? He could have done that in the beginning and he really would have stopped? Now he really felt dumb, but very happy at the same time. Now maybe if he did this to the receptionist he could go home. Thought he better not try it. He knew that he did have limits.

"That's all," Sidney said.

Back at camp, Margaret was sitting alone in the mess tent as she picked at her food. BJ saw her sitting and decided to join her. He went and sat down next to her. Margaret looked up and noticed. Now she was nervous that he might figure out that something was wrong. Although she did know that sooner or later they would all find out about her cancer, she didn't want people to find out so early.

"Hey Margaret," BJ said.

Margaret looked up and smiled.

"Hey. You excited?" she asked.

Dumb question.

"You bet. The first thing I'm going to do is spend time with my daughter. I've missed her first birthday and hope to catch her second," BJ said.

"Did you by any chance go to Tokyo and get her a gift?" Margaret asked.

"Yep, now all I have to do is wrap it and take it to her," BJ said.

"Oh no," BJ said.

"What?" Margaret asked.

"Hawkeye, he'll come back and notice that I'm gone," BJ said.

Margaret just remembered how Hawkeye reacted when he came back to see that Trapper had gone home with out saying good bye to him.

"Maybe you should just leave him a note," Margaret suggested.

"Better yet, I should go see him," BJ said.

Margaret didn't know if he should. She knew that Hawkeye wasn't in the mood to hear of people getting to go back home. She also didn't want him telling BJ that I kept the secret of a baby from him.

"If you really think you should," Margaret said.

"I think I will," BJ said as he picked up his tray and left.

Margaret just sat there. She did not want him to go there and hear about how she was keeping the baby from Hawkeye. He'd come back with a bunch of questions and find out that there was no baby.

That night BJ was walking back from post op and saw Margaret run across the compound.

"Margaret?" he asked as she passed him.

He saw her run into the latrine. BJ stood there and waited for a minute until he saw her walk out.

"Hey Margaret," he said.

Margaret jumped at the sound of his voice.

"Hi," she said.

"Are you okay? I was seeing you do that even before you went to Tokyo? Are you getting sick?" he asked.

Margaret knew that he wouldn't believe her if she just said that the fish or what ever they had was bad. She decided just to tell him that she was sick, and that's all.

"I'm just sick, that's all," she said.

"How sick?" BJ asked.

"Sick enough to be running to the bathroom," she said.

"Are you running a fever?" BJ asked.

"No," Margaret said.

Now she was getting nervous.

"Then what's wrong?" BJ asked.

Margaret just stared up into his eyes. She could tell him. She trusted him. She just didn't want to tell any one, but decided to. She looked around to make sure that they were alone.

"Stomach cancer," she said.

Margaret stood there and watched as BJ's eyes widened. She did feel better telling some one. The only thing that made her nervous now was awaiting his reaction.

"Did you tell Colonel Potter?" BJ asked.

"No, I'd rather just keep this a secret for now," Margaret said.

"Margaret, this is serious," BJ said.

"I know," Margaret said.

"Then why don't you tell him? You can go home and get treatments done," BJ said.

"Does it even matter? I'll probably die any ways. It's not like with out it I would have lived for ever," Margaret said.

BJ just watched her. A tear went down her cheek.

"Yes it does matter. You might live," BJ said.

"You know what I learned. No matter what you do you die. Why should this change that?" Margaret asked.

"True, but you also only have one life. Don't you think that you should live it as you want to? All that should really mean is that you can enjoy life any way you want," BJ said.

Margaret looked down. He was right.

"They said I'd be okay as long as I started treatment with in the next month. I figured I could try and stay here through the rest of the war with the way they were talking," Margaret said.

"Alright," BJ said.

Margaret stood there and blankly stared. She didn't want to be hearing any of this. She wanted to be a wife and mother before the thought of death even entered her mind.

"You okay?" BJ asked.

"Yeah. I'm fine," Margaret said still staring.

She wiped her face with her hand and then walked back to her tent. She closed the door behind her and stood in the dark.

"No, I'm not okay," she said softly to herself.


	11. Chapter 11

11 In Your Head

"I don't know. What do you usually do when you're on a bus?" Hawkeye asked.

Hawkeye was again talking to Sidney who wanted to know about the bus ride back. He could tell that yesterday's explosion had worn off by now.

"Maybe it wasn't an ordinary bus ride for you," Sidney said.

Hawkeye looked over. He was on his cot laying down and staring up at the ceiling. He had already told him a million times that he did not know and was now angrily wondering how many more times it would take.

"I don't know. Where did I leave off?" Hawkeye asked with annoyance.

"You were with BJ talking about what you were going to do once you got home," Sidney said.

Hawkeye suddenly remembered that.

_Hawkeye sat next to BJ._

"_Did you and Margaret have fun?" BJ asked._

"_Yeah, but I did have a better suggestion that she wouldn't take," Hawkeye said._

"_You know that at anytime this war could be over," BJ said._

"_That's what I said when I got here. Three years later and I'm still here," Hawkeye said._

"_Oh come on Hawk. You seriously believe that this will go on much longer?" BJ asked_.

That was all he could remember. Besides, what's the worst that could have happened? It's not like some one pulled out a gun on all of them.

"We stopped," Hawkeye said.

He remembered that BJ had asked the question, but he had never answered him. He couldn't remember why they stopped, he just knew that they did. What did it matter any way? He knew that he wouldn't have this figured out by next week let alone today. Having some sit across the room from him both irritated and pressured him. Two very bad things to have while trying to think about something that Sidney seems to think is very important. Again, he didn't know why he would be so interested in something as dumb as a bus ride. Little kids even ride the bus, it's not some kind of rarity. Why doesn't Sidney just take a bus ride and stop asking him.

"What did you stop for?" Sidney asked.

Hawkeye just shrugged his shoulders. He watched as Sidney just seemed to examine him. As if he was looking to see if he was really telling the truth or not. There went that whole trust factor again. No one trusts some one who has been labeled crazy.

"You don't trust me do you," Hawkeye said.

"Why wouldn't I?" Sidney asked.

"I don't know. You looked like you were trying to decide something. Something like whether or not I was telling the truth," Hawkeye said.

"I believe you. The only time that I didn't believe you was when you accused me of torturing the little kid," Sidney said.

"You should have believed that to," Hawkeye said.

"Do you believe everything you hear?" Sidney asked.

"What do I hear? I'm separated from every one else. I'll believe what ever I get," Hawkeye said.

"I thought you didn't trust them," Sidney said.

Hawkeye just look at him for a second.

"I don't. But trusting and believing are two different things. A person you trust can tell you some thing unbelievable. Why can't it be the other way around? Besides, I believe you don't I?" Hawkeye asked.

That was true. He did not trust a single person, but he did believe Sidney. He thought that he was telling the truth. Besides, what would he have to lose by it? It was the ones who had something to lose that he neither trusted nor believed. There was also one thing that never change, he would never forgive any of these people. He looked around. The room was always the same color. Gray. He felt as if he were in some sort of depressed area.

"You don't trust me?" Sidney asked.

"Why should I?" Hawkeye asked.

How could he trust some one who wouldn't tell him why he was there? He knew that there had to be more to it than he heard. People just don't some how think that you are acting strange. There had to be a reason. To him there was none. If there was they would have told him a while ago when he first go there.

"Because you have to tell me everything," Sidney said.

"No, that's a reason why you'd like me to believe you. Not a reason that I should," Hawkeye said.

"Then why don't you?" Sidney asked.

Hawkeye thought that Sidney could figure this one on his own. Had he not been listening to him for the last couple of weeks?

"What do you think? No one including you will tell me why I'm here! Now some one keeping secrets that concern you doesn't seem like the one that you would trust does it now?" Hawkeye asked.

"All I heard was that you drove a jeep into the Officer's Club and that you accused BJ of trying to murder some one when he tried to put him under for surgery that you tried to do while he was awake," Sidney said.

Hawkeye just stared blankly at the wall behind Sidney. He could now remember that night.

"_Damn it Margaret," he said as he reached over and grabbed the scalpel._

_BJ got up and pulled Hawkeye back._

"_What the hell do you think you're doing?" Hawkeye asked._

"_Hawkeye! What is the matter with you? You've seen patients get put under hundreds of times! You know not to operate with out putting them under first," BJ said._

It wasn't much though. He couldn't even remember the patient's face and he couldn't remember actually accusing BJ of anything. The only thing was, he couldn't remember any thing around that. It was as if it had just happened. Nothing to cause it and nothing after words. He couldn't remember the jeep either. He looked over to see Sidney waiting to see a reaction.

"You swear you don't know anything else?" Hawkeye asked.

"I told you everything that I know," Sidney said.

"I see," Hawkeye said.

Now Hawkeye felt as if everything so far had just been in his head. What if there was no beach? What if they never even got onto a bus? He could have very well dreamed all of that up. Hawkeye just blankly stared out the window. He had never been so scared in his life. Had he really truly lost it? The only reason that he knew all of this was real was because he knew that he was awake. He couldn't remember the beach or the bus ride. He felt a chill go down his back.

There was a knock at the door and BJ stepped in. Hawkeye quickly turned and looked over towards him.

"Hi Hawkeye," BJ said.

"Hi Beej," Hawkeye said.

He really didn't know what to think any more. Maybe this was a game. Maybe they did want to drive him crazy. Why? No one would tell him. There had to be something behind all of this. He knew that if BJ was truly his friend he would tell him everything that he needed to know.

"Can I?" BJ asked.

"Sure," Sidney said as he got up and left the room.

BJ went and sat down across from Hawkeye.

"BJ, I have a very important question for you and I need you to be completely honest with me," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye watched as BJ gave him a look of concern. As if he was trying to figure out what was going. To him this meant that BJ was a little confused. He didn't know why but it made him feel better.

"Yeah?" BJ asked.

"Did we really go to the beach and then go on the bus back to camp?" Hawkeye asked.

"Yes," BJ said.

Hawkeye watched him. BJ just looked more confused than he started out. At least he just gave him a straight forward answer.

"What did we do on the beach?" Hawkeye asked.

"You don't remember? We all played volleyball and then you and Margaret went off and started a bon fire," BJ said.

Hawkeye remembered little bits of that, but not enough to make any sense of it.

"Anything else?" Hawkeye asked.

"No, you spent most of your time with Margaret," BJ said.

"I see. And the bus ride?" Hawkeye asked.

"We rode the bus back, nothing much, we had our fun," BJ said.

BJ remembered Sidney telling him to let Hawkeye try and remember it on his own.

Hawkeye sat there and thought. It was hard for him to believe that a day at the beach and a bus ride would drive him crazy. There was still too many holes in the story.

"Did we by any chance discuss going home?" Hawkeye asked.

"Yes we did. You didn't believe me. Remember?" BJ asked.

"Yes I did," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye had to think about that. He did remember a lot of what had happened then didn't he. Then why was he still locked up? He now realized what was wrong. He wasn't crazy or traumatized. He was just forgetful, and maybe drunk, that's all. Hawkeye then looked up.

"We stopped didn't we?" Hawkeye asked.

He watched as BJ looked like he was thinking about it. As if the whole night wasn't clear to him either.

"Yes we did didn't we," BJ said.

"So then I'm not crazy," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye just sat there and thought. There was a bus, there was the beach. What more was there? Nothing. He was sane. And he was going to tell Sidney that the first thing right when he came back in.

"Thanks Beej," Hawkeye said as he devilishly grinned.


	12. Chapter 12

-112 We All Fall Down

"We were on the bus. We had stopped and some people came on, I don't know who, but I remember passing back a bottle of something. It might have been booze, but I can't remember what kind," Hawkeye said.

"_Come on!" Hawkeye yelled._

"_This man can't wait!" he yelled._

_The bottle was passed back until it got to Hawkeye_.

Hawkeye sat there with his eyes glazed over staring off into space. His mouth hung open as he shook his head.

"I don't know," he said.

"Are you sure?" Sidney asked.

"Maybe try and remember who had the bottle in the first place," Sidney said.

Hawkeye thought for a moment. He was beginning to get irritated now. There was a blank.

"I don't know," he said.

"Try," Sidney said.

Hawkeye sighed as he closed his eyes. He kept seeing the scene repeatedly. The same thing.

"_I need some penicillin back here!" Hawkeye called out._

"_Come on!" Hawkeye yelled._

"_This man can't wait!" he yelled._

_The bottle and a tube were passed back until they got to Hawkeye._

His eyes opened immediately.

"He was wounded," Hawkeye said.

"Then what happened?" Sidney asked.

"I don't know!" Hawkeye said.

"I would just like to get some sleep," Hawkeye said.

"Alright, I'll talk to you again in the morning," Sidney said and then got up and walked out the door.

Hawkeye went and turned the light off. He walked back and went to go look out the window. From the very beginning, he did not like where this was going. To him, things were different when he first showed up. He had never expected to be locked away because he tried to operate with out the anesthesia. He looked out and looked up in the sky. It was raining out. Everything used to be so simple, and now it was all so complicated. He couldn't remember this and he was accused of doing that while this was what he needed to remember. It all seemed like a game that he couldn't win. There was no wrong way to play it either, they could do what ever they wanted and get away with it. When he found out that Margaret might have been pregnant, he didn't freak out, he just got angry. There was no fear or nervousness, just anger. Anger towards her. Talking about Rebecca also bothered him. Anything to do with a baby angered him. He wished that he could just remember what happened and get out of there. As the rain hit the window it reminded him of when both his sister and mother had died. They both died in the spring time, around rainy season. It had rained all morning the day that his mother had died. He would never forget that day. He and his father were supposed to go fishing. He remembered standing by the door as he watched it rain outside and asking his father if they could still go any ways and his father telling him that he was needed at the hospital. He later found out when his father walked into the door and sadly shook his head and then told him that his mom would not be coming home. Even then, secrets were being kept from him. Then when Rebecca died he was in the hospital with his family. His dad had told him to go and wait outside of the room for a moment while the doctor spoke to them. He went outside and down the hall. He sat there and stared out the window as it rained. The only reason that he knew what was going on was because he thought he was the one that had killed her and his parents didn't want him thinking that. He still to this day does not know what was said in that hospital room, and figured that he probably never will. Then it suddenly hit him. Why they didn't want him to hear what was said. A tear went down the side of his face.

"I killed Rebecca," his said to himself as he stood there in front of the window.

"I killed her. They sent me out because I killed her," Hawkeye said.

Margaret walked into her tent all wet from the rain. She pulled off her coat and sat down on her cot. She twinged a bit as she sat down. She had now been getting occasional pains in her stomach. She waited a minute and then went and grabbed her diary.

_July 22, 1953_

_I think that tomorrow I'll tell Colonel Potter that I need to go back to the states and start treatment. I have been getting some pains in my stomach. It's only every once in a great while, but what happens if I have to assist in surgery and I drop an instrument or have to end up doing something important and mess it up? Today we did have to operate. It was on a little girl whose family was killed in a shelling. I just came back from post op. She is the only patient at the time. I sat with her. She is being sent to the orphanage in a week. _

Margaret looked up and sighed. She didn't know what to do. She wanted to stay. As hard as it was for any one to believe, she wanted to stay. She knew that as soon as this part of her life was over that it would pretty much be over. Margaret just put her pen down and looked up. She had never felt so lonely in her life. She knew that the doctor had said that she might live. Might wasn't that big of a chance. That's what parents told their kids to get them to stop asking them the same question over again. Besides, cancer never did completely go away. It could always come back. Most likely it would. Margaret sighed. What now?

"I'd rather be the unwedded mother with the father in the mental ward," Margaret said.

Margaret just sighed as she laid back.


	13. Chapter 13

-113 That Chicken

Margaret was sitting in her tent. BJ had just left. She didn't know what to do anymore. She had tried all day to go tell Colonel Potter about her problem, but some how kept backing out. Why? It wasn't her fault. It wasn't something that had control over. Was it fear? Fear of others knowing? No. It was fear from having to realize what was going on. Having to go back home and face what had happened. Going back and living with one of her parents for probably what was going to be the remainder of her life. She was painting her nails.

"Attention every one. The war is now coming to an end. The agreement will set in forty eight hours from now."

Margaret looked up from her nails. She slightly smiled. She made it. Not much more of this. She could go home with out telling any one.

Hawkeye sat in the rec. room across from Sidney as they played cards. He had just heard the announcement. Hawkeye grinned over at Sidney.

"You hear that? I can't play your little puppet much longer," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye kept smirking at him as he waited for Sidney to say something. It didn't take long.

"What do you mean?" Sidney asked.

How could he not know? He had sat there and talked to him and went through trying to remember pointless things. Then he asks, what do you mean? He wasn't even supposed to be there, but Sidney kept him there any ways. He now knew everything that there was to know.

"I mean, you've been keeping a valuable surgeon here and using him for your own personal entertainer," Hawkeye said.

"My own entertainer?" Sidney asked.

"There has to be a reason why you've kept me here," Hawkeye said.

"You don't think there's a reason for you to be here?" Sidney asked.

"No," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye hadn't believed that since the very beginning. Why should he change his mind now? He thought that he had made that noticeable a long time ago.

"And yet you ask me every personal question that comes to mind. I'm sure that you were listening in when Margaret and BJ were here weren't you," Hawkeye said.

"Actually, no," Sidney said.

"Right," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye had a hard time believing that. Of course, Sidney was considerate of other's privacy. At one time it seemed as if he were more concerned with Margaret's privacy then he was for his well fare. He still thought that if Sidney could ask him all those questions then he should be able to read a little, besides, he now knew who he could and couldn't trust. He could trust himself and couldn't trust any one else. Except, there was something about BJ. He also had a look of confusion that made him feel more comfortable. As if he were going through the same thing. But if he was going through the same thing then why wasn't he there? That confused Hawkeye the most.

"I thought you didn't trust me. Remember? I'm crazy. Didn't your mother ever teach you not to trust a crazy person?" Hawkeye asked.

"I happen to work with crazy people. Besides, I trusted you," Sidney said.

Hawkeye had a feeling that he said that to prove a point. He knew that Sidney was well aware that he did not trust any one.

"I wouldn't," Hawkeye said.

"Why not?" Sidney asked.

"I trusted everyone back at the 4077th. Didn't I? Now look where I am. I especially trusted those two that came to visit me. If BJ was really my friend he wouldn't have let you bring me here would he have? And Margaret," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye sarcastically laughed.

"Margaret. Did you hear what she had to say about the whole thing? She said that I belonged here. That I was indeed some lunatic. What a friend that is," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye sat back and laughed. The more that he thought about it, the more twisted that this situation seemed to him. The people that he thought were his friends were giving him away to some wacko house. At least BJ told him what had happened. He wasn't sure he heard everything that he needed to hear, but he heard some of it.

"Was that really what BJ did? And is that really what Margaret said?" Sidney asked.

Hawkeye looked over at him with some kind of surreal surprise.

"No. Of course not. BJ defended me and Margaret told me that I was the most delightful person to be around," he said sarcastically.

"Now Hawkeye, I already told you what you did. You tried to operate on a patient with out putting him under and then accused BJ of trying to suffocate him when he did try to put him under. That night you came here you kept accusing me of trying to pull you away so that Margaret and BJ could get to him. You had this idea that every one over there was a murderer and you were trying to figure out why I was part of it," Sidney said.

Hawkeye sighed. He did remember being in the operating room with them. He also remembered BJ getting mad when he took the scalpel. But that was one night.

"I was drunk," Hawkeye said.

"Were you? You told me not to long ago that while you were on the bus that you had to take care of a man who was wounded. Are you sure you were drunk then?" Sidney asked.

Hawkeye sat there silently. He knew that he was probably sober.

"I was sober," Hawkeye said.

"How do you remember that?" Sidney asked.

"You just asked me how I knew that I was drunk! You can't question both of them!" Hawkeye said.

"Fine, you're right," Sidney said.

"You know that that's the only time that you have said that since I've been here?" Hawkeye asked.

Hawkeye sat there. He just wanted to go home now. There was really nothing keeping him there. He knew that nobody would ever trust him to operate.

"Can you remember any more of that night?" Sidney asked.

Hawkeye sat there and tried to think. He figured that there was little time left before he could go home and that the sooner he remembered what had happened that night the sooner that Sidney would let him go back home. He just stared off into space.

_Hawkeye sat next to BJ._

"_Did you and Margaret have fun?" BJ asked._

"_Yeah, but I did have a better suggestion that she wouldn't take," Hawkeye said._

"_You know that at anytime this war could be over," BJ said._

"_That's what I said when I got here. Three years later and I'm still here," Hawkeye said._

"_Oh come on Hawk. You seriously believe that this will go on much longer?" BJ asked._

"I remember getting onto the bus," Hawkeye said.

"That's a good start," Sidney said.

_The bus suddenly stopped._

"_What's going on?" Hawkeye asked looking out the window._

_Both Hawkeye and BJ looked forward as they saw some refugees come on. After they stepped on, two men helped a wounded soldier on._

"_BJ, move," Hawkeye said._

"_They both got out of the seat and BJ sat down across the isle as the soldier was set down in the seat. Hawkeye sat down next to him and the two men left. As the bus started moving again Hawkeye looked the man over._

"_How is he?" BJ asked._

"_Not good," Hawkeye said._

"_I need some penicillin back here!" Hawkeye called out._

_Hawkeye sighed._

"_We're going to need to operate on him as soon as we get back," Hawkeye said._

"_Come on!" Hawkeye yelled._

"_This man can't wait!" he yelled._

_The bottle and a tube were passed back until they got to Hawkeye._

"_Any one got a knife or something?" Hawkeye asked._

"_I've got a pocket knife," Father Mulcahy offered._

"_That'll work," Hawkeye said._

_They passed the pocketknife over to Hawkeye. As Hawkeye started to cut and insert the IV the bus stopped in the bushes._

"I can remember the man," Hawkeye said.

_The whole bus was silent. Suddenly there was a noise. Every one nervously turned around. Hawkeye let it go for a second then stood up, walked to the back of the bus, and stood before the lady._

"_Could you shut that thing up?" he snapped._

_The mother tried desperately to the chicken. _

"_Do something! You want to get us all killed?" Hawkeye warned._

"And there was that stupid chicken," Hawkeye said.

"A chicken?" Sidney asked.

"Yes. I hated that thing. It almost got us all killed," Hawkeye said.

A nurse came up behind Sidney.

"There's a call for you," she said.

Sidney stood up.

"Looks like I have to get going. I'll talk to you tonight," he said.

Hawkeye just sat there staring out the window.

"I hate that thing," he said.


	14. Chapter 14

-114 Facing The Truth

Margaret was in her tent as she started to pack her things. She had the idea that she was leaving before Hawkeye would get out. She was starting to think that he was just going to spend the little time that was left of the war with Sidney and then go home. Since there was only a couple of days left she figured that she would start packing her things little by little. She was also going to go meet with Hawkeye later that day. She thought that she'd better not mention going home though. BJ couldn't find it in himself to mention it either. She didn't know if she should tell Hawkeye that BJ left. He might not handle it real well. Then again, last time she kept a secret from him he found out and didn't take that well either.

Margaret sighed. She walked over to her table and grabbed another aspirin. She had been having a lot of those lately. She hated herself for it. It almost made her feel like some kind of pill popper. She turned around when she heard a knock at the door. Quickly she hid the pills and went to the door.

"What is it?" she asked once she opened the door and saw Klinger.

"One letter for a Major Houlihan," Klinger said as he handed it to her.

Margaret took it and looked it over. It was from her father.

"Thank you," she said as she went back into her tent and closed the door.

She went and sat down on her cot. Hesitantly, she opened the letter. She had an idea of what it would say, but didn't know if she really wanted to hear it.

_Dear Margaret,_

_I'm sorry. I hope you know that all I wanted for you was to be happy. If you want, you always can stay with me. I know that these next few months will probably be hard on you. I understand if you need a place to stay. I also hope that you understand that this won't be easy on me either._

_Love,_

_Daddy_

Margaret reread the letter a few times over. She knew that she probably would need a place to stay. But she didn't like the idea of putting her father through that. He was right. He probably would have a hard time. What she needed was a friend to stay with, maybe just a room mate. But not a close family member. Margaret put the letter back in the envelope.

"Thanks for the offer, but I think that I'll have to decline," she said.

Hawkeye sat in his room with Sidney. Sidney had just walked in.

"I think that you should go first today," Hawkeye said.

"You don't want to talk?" Sidney asked.

"I just think that since I've talked the whole time that you should get a turn," Hawkeye said.

Honestly, he was just tired of talking and wanted some one else to talk.

"I don't have anything that I need to talk about," Sidney said.

"Yeah, that's what you told me when I got here," Hawkeye said.

There was a knock at the door and they both turned. Margaret walked in.

"Hey look, it's the good news lady. By any chance bring your diary? It would make a great conversation starter. Perhaps we could read the part where I disturb the hell out of you and you hope that I get well soon. Shall we? Or better yet, you have any secrets from me? Camp moving? You leaving? No wait let me guess, my father is dying and you don't want me to know about it. That way I can go back home to an empty house and fill in the blanks myself," Hawkeye said.

Margaret just covered her face with her hand for a second and then looked up at Hawkeye. She wanted to leave, but would regret it.

"I just came to see you, that's all," she said.

She didn't want to give him the idea that he was staying there until the very end or get him excited by giving him the idea that he was going home before the rest of them.

Hawkeye sat there. He dreaded the moment that she would sit down and start asking him about Rebecca again. It was thirty years ago.

Margaret went and sat down by Sidney.

"I'm not interrupting anything am I?" Margaret asked.

"Sidney was just about to tell us his life story," Hawkeye said and then motioned towards Sidney," go ahead."

"No, he's just being stubborn," Sidney said.

"He got me to the part with the chicken. That's hardly what I call stubborn," Hawkeye said.

"Chicken?" Margaret asked.

"Yes, he said that there was a chicken in the back of the bus," Sidney said.

"Oh," Margaret said.

Hawkeye just sat there as he watched Margaret. There had to be a reason that she was there. Was she leaving? Was she not planning on seeing him again?

"Family crisis?" Hawkeye asked.

Margaret just sat there as she tried to figure out what was going on.

"No," she said.

"Section eight?" Hawkeye asked.

"No," Margaret said.

"Rabbit die?" Hawkeye asked.

Margaret rolled her eyes.

"No," she said sternly.

"One last try. You got arrested for something," Hawkeye said.

"No," Margaret said.

"Then why?" Hawkeye asked.

"Why what?" Margaret asked.

"Why are you here?" Hawkeye asked.

"I don't know. Is it so bad to want to come and visit some one?" Margaret asked.

Margaret sat there and watched him. He was giving her this smirk. As if he knew something, something that she should know by now but didn't, and he was going to use it against her. She knew that she had upset him the first time and the second time. She had been irritating him ever since he found her diary. Before that he was just paranoid, and she could easily tell. Now she knew that there was anger pointed directly towards her. She her self was now paranoid. She didn't want him to know what was really going on. But hey, this time she could say that she was honest. There was no problem with her family, she wasn't crazy, she wasn't pregnant, and she didn't brake any laws. So far so good. Right? Maybe.

"I don't know. You tell me," Hawkeye said.

"It shouldn't," she said.

Hawkeye could tell that there was something wrong, but didn't know what. Hawkeye sat back and raised his eyebrow at her.

"You don't think that I'm going to be coming back to the 4077th at all do you," Hawkeye said.

"No," Margaret said.

"Let me tell you a secret. Neither do I," Hawkeye said.

"Why not?" Sidney asked.

"Because there's only one person that you can trust, yourself. You can never lie successfully to yourself. You can never hide things from yourself," Hawkeye said.

Margaret sat there and suddenly realized something. He was absolutely right. You could never hide anything from yourself. What's there is there and there's no changing that. Whether she wanted to realize it or not, she did have cancer and she was watching her friend go crazy and she wouldn't get to do half the things that wanted to do. She had no house to go home to. There was no husband to laugh with her and hold her tight and dry her tears when she needed it and no one there for her. There were no children to look up to her and to watch grow and become something. There was none of that. She felt as if she had nothing. No one in her life and almost nothing to try and put up a long fight for. It was already a losing battle. If it were worth it, she would fight, but she could never try and do any of those things now. Margaret sighed and then looked over at Hawkeye. He had the blankest expression that she had ever seen.

"You're right," she said as she stared into her eyes.

"You can't hide anything from your self," Margaret said.

Margaret got up and walked out of the room. She stood out in the hall and held back tears. Hawkeye sat in the room and kept looking over at the door.

"What did I say?" he asked.

"Nothing I don't think," Sidney.

"I didn't mean to hurt her," Hawkeye said.

He suddenly remembered telling everyone that he didn't mean to hurt Rebecca. Suddenly he had a flashback to the back of the bus. He was standing there. Angrily standing there and staring down at the lady. Hawkeye's eyes widened.

"It wasn't a chicken," Hawkeye said.

"What happened?" Sidney asked.

He felt an over whelming rush go through his body. All there was now was guilt and anger. He felt almost the same as he did when he was on the bus.

"It was a baby and she killed her! That baby died because of me! Because I'm so damn nosy and so damn selfish that baby died!" Hawkeye cried out.

Tears started to streak his face as he remembered that night.

"You bastard! You made me remember that! You had to remind me that I killed two babies! First my sister dies but that's not good enough for you is it? Then you've got to remind me that I killed one that I didn't even know so that I could make sure that I'd live! You son of a bitch you have to shove that in my face!" Hawkeye said.

"The worst is over with," Sidney said.

Hawkeye looked up into Sidney's eyes. There was a concern that he had not yet seen.

"Yeah? You try telling that to the mother," Hawkeye said.


	15. Chapter 15

15 Be My Friend

Hawkeye was sitting in the jeep as he rode back to the 4077th. He kept on wondering how Sidney could possible think that he was ready to go back. Sure, he was same, he was just nervous about operating. There was no way that he could just walk in there and operate normally knowing what happened last time he tried to operate on some one. What scared him was that operating used to come very easily to him. He was almost able to do it in his sleep. How could something so easy to him become one of the hardest things for him to get through. Hawkeye just sat there and looked forward. He saw the camp. Suddenly he felt more nervous then he had ever felt. He knew that there would be casualties. The war was coming to an end and they needed to get as many soldiers killed on each side before they finally called quits. The jeep came to a stop and Hawkeye got out. He stood and studied the place. Most everything seemed to be the same. He saw Charles trying to train a group of Chinese to play one his songs. Klinger was sitting with Soon Lee. It was almost the same as it was when he had left it before. Right now, the first thing on his mind was apologizing to both BJ and Margaret for what he had put them through. Most of all Margaret, but right now he was going to go to the swamp and talk to BJ. Hawkeye grabbed his things and went over and stepped into the swamp. It was empty.

"Beej?" he asked.

There was no one there. He was alone.

"Probably just in the mess tent," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye had gone out looking for BJ and didn't find him anywhere. He decided to go over to Charles and ask him.

"Hey Charles!" Hawkeye called out as he walked towards him.

Charles looked up.

"Oh goody, the other swamp rat is back," Charles said.

"Nice to see you to Charles. Now could you tell me where BJ is? I wanted to talk to him," Hawkeye said.

"Actually Hawkeye, BJ's probably half way home," Charles said.

"What?" Hawkeye asked.

"He left, this morning," Charles said.

Hawkeye suddenly felt like he had just been kicked in the stomach. All this time he had trusted BJ more than any one and now BJ just goes and leaves. No good bye, no note, just gets up and leaves.

"Thank you," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye walked back over towards the swamp. He could hear Charles yelling at the group for being out of tune. As he walked back he watched every one. He knew that they were all going home soon, very soon. He knew that he might not see half of these people ever again. It made him wonder how BJ, some one who he had been with constantly for the last two years could just get up and leave with out so much as a note saying good bye. As he approached his tent he saw Margaret walking back to hers. He went over and knocked on the door.

"Come in," she said.

Hawkeye opened the door. He just stood there for a minute and waited for Margaret to turn around. She sat at her desk. Once she did turn around she smiled as she saw him.

"Hawkeye," she said as she looked him over.

He still looked some what out of it. Margaret figured that he couldn't look nearly as out of it as she felt though. She had had trouble sleeping the night before.

"Hey Margaret," he said.

Margaret stood up.

"Nice to have you back," she said.

He's been away with mental problems that were probably made worse by your own diary and that's all you say?

"I guess it's nice to be back," Hawkeye said.

The room began to feel awkward to them both. Hawkeye wanted to step in more but didn't know if he really should. He thought that he'd rather just wait and see if Margaret was going to say anything. Margaret just smiled at him. She was glad to see him but didn't know what to say to him. She was happy to see him before she had to leave. All the other nurses were going to go over to the 8063rd and help out to get the rest of the wounded sent to the evac hospital sooner. Sadly, she would not be joining them. She was going to tell them that she was just needed some where else. They would probably believe it to. Every one knew that she kept on receiving letters from her father telling her where there was openings.

"You can come in if you want," Margaret said.

Hawkeye closed the door behind him and stepped in side more and went by her.

"How were things while I was gone?" he asked.

Margaret knew that he probably didn't know that BJ gone and really didn't want to be one to tell him.

"Nothing much. I'm sure that BJ told you everything that was going on," Margaret said.

"Not quite," Hawkeye said bitterly.

Margaret could tell from the tone of his voice that he had found out about BJ.

"He didn't tell you that he was leaving before he left did he?" she asked.

"No he didn't. He didn't leave a lousy note," Hawkeye said.

"Maybe he just left in a hurry," Margaret said.

"I mean, is it me? No one seems to want to tell me when they're going to leave," Hawkeye said.

Margaret just stood there. She could tell that he was angry. What hurt her worse was that she was almost about to do the same thing that BJ did. Just leave. She looked up at Hawkeye.

"Did you know that he was leaving when you came to see me?" Hawkeye asked.

"I thought he told you," Margaret said.

"That's it! I'll admit, I did lose it. I was crazy, and even paranoid for the sake of the argument, but that

doesn't make what you're doing any better," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye's expression had suddenly softened once he saw Margaret's eyes start to water. He didn't know that he was hurting her, and he never meant to. It's just that he didn't want people to go on hiding things from him. There was no reason to any more.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Margaret wiped her eyes. She knew that she wasn't going to be around much longer and she didn't want to leave and have people angry with her. Especially some one who had been with her since she had arrived. Everyone else that was here when she first got here were all gone. They had grown close and there was denying that.

"No, I'm sorry," Margaret said.

"I just. I don't know. I guess that I've just been having a rough time," Hawkeye said.

Margaret looked up at him. He saw pain in her eyes.

"Don't you think that others here have had a hard time to? BJ was about to miss his daughter's second birthday. And I thought that I was going to have a baby while the father was locked away in the psycho ward and then," Margaret said with tears starting to stream down her cheeks but stopped her self before she went on to explain any more.

"Then what?" Hawkeye asked.

"Nothing," Margaret said as she cried.

Hawkeye just went and embraced her. Margaret loved the feeling that she now had in his arms.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," Hawkeye said.

Margaret just stood there silently for a minute. She thought about telling him, but she didn't want to. There were too many things keeping her from telling him. It felt as if it was a lose, lose situation. There was no way to win. Margaret stood back and looked him straight in the eyes.

"You didn't need to see that," Margaret said.

"Did you need to do that?" Hawkeye asked.

Hawkeye began to wonder if there was more going on then what he knew about.

"I guess we all fall apart sometimes," Margaret said.

Suddenly she felt a sharp pain through her stomach and twinged. Not now. Not while he was standing right there. Hawkeye noticed and grabbed her elbow and led her to her cot and sat her down.

"You okay?" he asked.

Margaret opened her eyes and looked up into Hawkeye's face. He was now definitely worried.

"What happened?" he asked with concern.

Margaret found it hard to speak as her eyes began to water again.

"Nothing," she said.

"Are you sure?" Hawkeye asked.

Margaret nodded.

"Is there anything that you'd like to tell me?" Hawkeye asked.

Margaret wiped her eyes.

"I just want to know one thing," Margaret said.

"Sure," Hawkeye said as he sat down on the cot.

"Don't let me be alone," Margaret said.

"No," Hawkeye said.

"Don't worry," Hawkeye said as he pulled her closer to him.

He was now confused and wasn't sure of what was going on and wanted desperately to know.

Margaret rested her head in his chest. The tears felt warm against her face. Once she left she would be alone. Right now she just liked the feeling of being held. Of having a friend.

"Thank you," she said.

Hawkeye just looked down.

"Anytime," he said.

Margaret sat up.

"Now can I ask you a question?" Hawkeye asked.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"If it were you who was leaving, would you at least leave me a note?" Hawkeye asked.

Margaret nodded. She wasn't quite sure why she had done that. She broke down. She was afraid of being alone. She knew that dating or getting married would be out of the question and that it would be hard for her to stay with her mom or dad. She knew that neither of them could actually sit there and watch their daughter slowly die. She couldn't do that to them. With Hawkeye she felt comfortable. He was a friend. That was what she needed, a friend. Nothing fancy, just some one to be there. All her life she hated to be scared. She always wanted to be brave and never show any fear. How do you do that when you really are scared? She wasn't going to try and fool herself, she was afraid. She had been told that she had cancer. It was basically being told that you're going to die.

"Listen, I heard that when we finally leave, we're going to have a dinner to say good bye to each other. I

was wondering if after the dinner, if you maybe wanted to come back to my tent," Margaret offered.

Hawkeye thought about it. He knew that there was something going on with her. He felt bad for her, but he knew that she would not like that at all. Any ways, he figured that if there was something that she needed to tell him, she'd do it then.

"Alright, I'll come," Hawkeye said.

Margaret slightly smiled.

"Okay," she said.

Hawkeye saw a smile twinkle in her eyes. He now knew that there was definitely something going on with

her.

"See you then," Hawkeye said.

Margaret sat there and watched as he left.

"See you," she said softly.


	16. Chapter 16

-116 The Dance

It was now after the dinner that the 4077th had had to say good bye to each other. Margaret sat in her tent as she awaited the arrival of Hawkeye. She was a bit nervous. This was going to be their last night together. She didn't want him to find out that she was sick. She sat at her table as she took a couple aspirins. That way if she did have any pains in her stomach they wouldn't be as bad and she wouldn't have any reaction to it. Margaret hid the aspirin bottle and stood up as she checked her hair. There was a knock on the door. She sighed.

"Here goes nothing," she said and then went to answer the door.

Margaret opened the door. Hawkeye stood there with red roses in one hand and champagne in the other. He wasn't dressed up but she could smell after shave. Hawkeye stood there and smiled as he looked Margaret over. She had been wearing a red sleeveless low cut nightgown that went down to the floor. He now started to think that he should have dressed up. Hawkeye looked down and suddenly remembered the roses.

"Here," he said.

"Thank you," Margaret said as she took the roses.

Hawkeye walked in and closed the door behind him while Margaret took the roses over to her table and set them down. Hawkeye went over and poured two glasses of champagne. Margaret noticed that he seemed to be happy about something. She thought that he probably just thought that she was giving him another good bye present. Margaret sat down on her cot and waited for Hawkeye to bring the champagne over. Part of her was glad that he had come over. The other part didn't know what to think. To him, this was just a celebration, a temporary good bye. One of those, "I'll see you in a few years" type deals. To her this was a permanent good bye. Hawkeye turned and smiled lightly at her as he brought the glasses over.

"Thank you," she said as she took her glass.

Hawkeye sat down next to her. She didn't seem like herself. She had been very quiet, and for some reason that bothered him.

"Is something wrong?" Hawkeye asked.

"No," Margaret said.

She was now worried. She didn't want tonight to be ruined. It was questions like that that would ruin it. Margaret looked down at her glass and sighed. She then looked up at Hawkeye.

"You know, when I first showed up here I expected some great well disaplined place because I had heard that it was a good mash unit. Let me tell you, I got here and it was a mad house. But since then I have changed and you have changed. I just want you to know how much you meant to me. When you and Trapper sobered me up before the wounded came, my marriage problems with Donald. I think the first time that you were ever a gentleman to me was when you, me and Klinger went to the aid station and spent the night. I don't think that I could have made it through this with out you," Margaret said.

"I bet you could have. You seem to do well with different situations," Hawkeye said.

"Maybe," Margaret said.

Margaret then looked back down at her glass.

"You know what, how about we dance? That would be more enjoyable then sitting here and talking about a war that had just ended," Margaret said.

"Alright," Hawkeye said.

Margaret got up and went over and lit two candles on her table and then went and turned the light off. The room now glowed with a light orange casting deep shadows on the sides of their faces. Hawkeye turned the record player on and as the music started her went over and grabbed Margaret. He led her to the center of the room. As they slowly danced he held her close. Margaret seemed to be happy on outside, but really she was sad. This was the last time she would be seeing him. She now realized that she felt more for him than she thought. She didn't want to leave him. She didn't want him to leave her. Hawkeye did realize that he did have feelings for Margaret. As they danced Hawkeye dipped her and then kissed her. He brought her back up as they still kissed. They kissed passionately as they danced in the dim candle light. Margaret could feel him move h is hands up to her neck. They could both feel a sudden attraction. This was the last dance and it was suddenly sinking in, each having their reason for now letting go of the other. Margaret did have feelings for him. Why else would she have gone to visit him and then have him there in her tent just so that she could say good bye? Hawkeye that this could be his last time seeing Margaret. He didn't want that to happen. He let go of the other woman that was near and dear to him and he didn't want the same thing to happen to him this time. Hawkeye suddenly let go. Margaret looked into his eyes.

"Something wrong?" she asked.

Hawkeye smiled.

"No, of course not. It's just that I don't think that I want to leave you," Hawkeye said.

"Well I don't want to leave you either, but we've got to go sometime," Margaret said.

"No one said that we have to stay to be together," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye got down on one knee. Margaret knew what was coming.

"Will you marry me?" he asked.

Margaret's eyes lit up. Yes. Yes she did want to marry him. The happiness that had flooded her just left. She couldn't. She knew that she wouldn't be alive to much longer. She couldn't do that Hawkeye right after he got back from the mental hospital. As much as it hurt her, she had to decline.

"I'm sorry. I can't," she said.

Hawkeye's face dropped completely. He had been turned down.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because, because we're to different. We might enjoy each other now, but later on we might not feel that way. We were always fighting. I'm sorry, I couldn't risk another divorce. Not with odds like that," she said.

"I see," Hawkeye said as he stood up.

Hawkeye felt the same way that he did when Carly Breslyn left him. Betrayed and heart broken. He had had one of the biggest let downs of his life during what should have been one of the happiest times of his life.

"Well, see you," he said as he slowly walked out the door.

Margaret stood there and watched him. A tear went down her cheek. Right now she hated her life. From one phone call her life had been ruined. Because she had cancer she couldn't do this and wouldn't be able to that. And now she just said her last good bye to a man who meant the most to her right now. The only other man that would ever mean anything to her was her father which she would now have a hard time visiting.

"Damn it," she said as she wiped the tear from her eye.


	17. Chapter 17

-117 Blue Eyes Crying in The Rain

Margaret woke up that morning feeling more disappointed at her self than she had ever in her life. During Klinger's wedding she avoided Hawkeye. She thought that he'd probably be bitter towards her. As Margaret caught the bouquet she thought about how ironic it really was. She looked down at the flowers and softly smiled. After she had said good bye to Klinger she went back to her tent to make sure that she had everything. She walked in. The tent was empty except for the cot and the dresser. There were no more pictures on the wall or pillows on her bed. It was like now that her life here was over that it all had to end. She had spent a portion of her life there. Secret meetings with Frank, having friends such as Lorraine Anderson stay with her, getting away from the others. That was now all over. The only people that she had opened up to were now all leaving. She walked over and grabbed her last bag. Margaret turned to leave but stopped and turned back. She felt silly, but this place was her home for a while. She looked down and sighed. She then walked out and closed the door behind her. Margaret walked out and passed the swamp where Hawkeye and BJ were taking down their still.

"There's the last of it," Hawkeye said as he picked up one of the pieces and threw it into a box with the others.

BJ and Hawkeye stood there in silence. Hawkeye had made a friend, a very close friend and he didn't like the fact that they lived on opposite sides of the country.

"I guess this stuff just goes back to the army then," BJ said.

"Yep," Hawkeye said.

"Bet you ten bucks you can't get that thing back together," BJ said.

"Maybe," Hawkeye said as he blankly stared.

"You know, this should be happy. We're going home, the war is over," BJ said.

"I know," Hawkeye said.

"Well," BJ said.

"Let's grab our things and get out of here," Hawkeye said.

They both grabbed their bags and left. They went out and said good bye to Father Mulcahy and then joined Colonel Potter, Charles, and Margaret.

"Where am I supposed to ride Major? As a trunk ornament?" Charles asked.

"Fine, I'll go take my bags else where," Margaret said.

"No, you stay with your things," Charles said.

"But I do seem to have too much with me. Would you mind taking this with you?" Charles asked.

Charles handed Margaret a book of poems that she had earlier borrowed. she smiled at him. He had finally realized how to share.

"Thank you Charles," she said.

BJ walked up to Margaret.

"I hope this time you make it all the way home," Margaret said.

BJ smiled.

"Good luck, and if you need any thing," BJ said.

"Thank you," Margaret said.

The two hugged and Margaret softly kissed him and then stood back.

BJ stepped back and Colonel Potter came over.

"Now I know that you have your career in order, but remember to have a happy life to," he said.

"You dear sweet man," Margaret said as she hugged him.

Colonel Potter then stepped back. Across from Margaret stood Hawkeye. They both just looked for a second.

"So," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye did feel a little bitter towards Margaret, but after he had thought about it he really couldn't blame her.

"Yeah," Margaret said.

The two ran towards each other and embraced each other. They stood there and kissed. Their final kiss. Neither Margaret nor Hawkeye wanted to let go. Through out the whole time that they were there people had come and gone but they were there with each other the whole time. This whole time they had been wanting the war to end and right now neither of them wanted to leave. They finally let go.

"Bye," Hawkeye said.

"See ya," Margaret said and then got into the jeep and drove away.

Margaret sat there. She knew that she wouldn't be seeing him. Margaret looked down and sadly sighed.

"Good bye Hawkeye," she said.

She never told him. She wanted to, but she didn't. He would quickly find out if there was a reunion and she wasn't there. That didn't make it any better.

Five years later...

Hawkeye was in his apartment in Maine. He was now engaged to a lady named Brenda Campbell. He had just came home from work. Hawkeye sat down at the table with a stack of mail in his hand.

"Bill. Bill," he said as went through them.

The next one stopped him.

"Margaret Houlihan," he said and then opened it.

_Dear Hawkeye,_

_I know that it has been a long time since we have seen each other, but I would like you come out and visit. How about next weekend? The sooner the better. There is some one here that I'd like you to meet._

_from,_

_Margaret._

"Now she wants to see me? Probably her husband that she wants me to meet," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye stared at the letter for a minute. He didn't know what to think. If it were that important wouldn't she have just called him? Or better yet come over her self? Hawkeye didn't get it. Something wasn't right about this. He just sighed.

"Alright, I'll come," he said.

Margaret was in her house. She was sitting in a chair that was near the door. Once she heard the door she got up to answer it.

"Hey Margaret," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye examined her. She had lost weight and looked very weak and pail.

"Hey," she said.

"Come in," she said.

Hawkeye followed her into the living room.

"There's a reason why I wanted to see you," she said.

Margaret hated having to do this, but now it was extremely important.

"What wrong?" Hawkeye asked already forming an idea of what was going on.

"Remember right before the war ended and you went crazy?" she asked.

That's the memories worth keeping.

"Yes," he said.

"Remember when I thought that I was pregnant?" Margaret asked.

"Well, I wasn't. Instead they did a few more tests on me," Margaret said.

Her eyes started to water. Margaret looked up into Hawkeye's eyes with pure sorrow.

"Hawkeye, I have cancer and I've had it for five years now. Once I returned home I started treatment. I was considered cured for a few years but then it came back and they don't think that I'll survive this one," Margaret said.

Hawkeye just stared at her. He could tell when they left Korea that there was something wrong, he just didn't know what. He gave her a sympathetic look.

"I'm sorry. I truly am," Hawkeye said.

"There was some one that I wanted you to meet," Margaret said.

"Rebecca!" she called out.

Margaret then looked back at Hawkeye.

"No they don't think that I'll be alive much longer," Margaret said.

Hawkeye paused as he stared at the doorway. There was a little girl standing there. She had bright blue eyes and blonde hair. He took a good guess about how Margaret got the name and then smiled over at Margaret.

"Yes mommy?" she asked.

"Come here," Margaret said.

Rebecca walked over and sat down next to Margaret.

"See, her daddy was a wonderful man. He was willing to do anything for me and I would have done the same for him. Gerald, work over at the steel mill. Last year there was an explosion over there. Gerald was there at the time and didn't make it," Margaret said.

Now Hawkeye really felt bad. He now knew what she was asking him. he was still a little nervous around children, but he also couldn't just say no either. Hawkeye looked up.

"And you want me to take her once you go?" Hawkeye asked.

"Please?" Margaret asked.

"Sure," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye wasn't really sure about all of this. Now he suddenly knew what was going on. She turned him down in Korea because she didn't know if she would live. He now felt guilty for everything that he had said back there. Hawkeye just watched as Margaret talked to Rebecca. She softly smiled and then tickled the little girl causing her to laugh. He just softly smiled. He felt bad for both Margaret and Rebecca. He knew what it was like to have your mom die.

"If you want to, you can spend the night," Margaret said.

"Okay," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye had decided that since he was staying the night that he could give Margaret a break. While she stayed with Rebecca he did the chores and cooked them dinner. That night Margaret stood in the doorway to Rebecca's room. She had just put to bed. She didn't want to leave her . Rebecca meant more then anything to her and now she was going to miss so much of her own daughter's life. She wouldn't see her graduation, her wedding, she wouldn't get a chance to meet any of her grand children. Margaret just sadly sighed. There was nothing she could do about it. The first time she really didn't have much to live for and now she had everything, and that was the time that she couldn't win. When she had everything.

"Hey Margaret," Hawkeye said.

Margaret turned around.

"Hey," she said as she walked over to the other side of the hall and into her bed room.

Hawkeye followed her.

"Look, I'm sorry," Hawkeye said.

"I wish that was what made everything better," Margaret said.

Hawkeye stood there for a minute.

"Just one question. Why me? I'm not married, have no children, was an alcoholic, and once got myself into the Giggling Academy," Hawkeye said.

Margaret looked over at him.

"No one would be jealous, you were sober when you needed to be, and you got there because of guilt from killing a child," Margaret said.

"And most of all, I trust you," Margaret said.

"I see," Hawkeye said.

"Plus I know you went through the same thing when you were younger," Margaret said.

"True," Hawkeye said.

"Hey, did you get the name Rebecca from any where special?" Hawkeye asked.

Margaret smiled at him.

"What do you think?" she asked.

Hawkeye just smiled back at her. Margaret sighed and then looked down.

"You know, when I first had cancer, I really had nothing much to live for. I couldn't go further in my career, there was no pint in getting married," Margaret said and then sighed as she looked up at Hawkeye.

"I had treatments done and made it a year and then I was told that I was fine. I got married. We agreed that we wouldn't have any kids because we both knew that the cancer could come back at any time. Well, we weren't planning on her, but she came along and now that I have some thing to live for, they tell me that I barely have a chance," Margaret said.

Tears started to fall from Margaret's eyes.

"I'm not ready to go," she said.

Hawkeye took her in his arms.

"I wish there was something I could do," Hawkeye said.

"Just make sure you take good care of her," Margaret said.

"I will," Hawkeye said.

The next morning Hawkeye went down stairs to see Margaret and Rebecca sitting in the kitchen.

"Look mommy!" Rebecca said as she handed Margaret a picture that she had drawn.

"I see! That's beautiful," Margaret said as she took the picture and looked it over.

"It's a flower," Rebecca said.

"The prettiest flower I've ever seen," Margaret said.

Hawkeye smiled. He liked seeing Margaret with Rebecca. It made him wish that is was him who she decided to marry. The only thing that ruined this picture was the fact that he knew it wouldn't last long. Hawkeye walked in and sat down next to Rebecca.

"Good morning you two," Hawkeye said.

"Good morning," Margaret said.

"Good morning," Rebecca said as she picked up a green crayon to start drawing again.

"What are you drawing?" Hawkeye asked.

Margaret smiled as she noticed Hawkeye trying to get to know Rebecca.

"A house," she said.

Margaret suddenly began to feel the room start to sway. She held onto the table . Hawkeye looked over.

"Margaret, are you okay?" he asked.

Margaret started to fall over and Hawkeye went over and caught her. Margaret just looked up at Hawkeye. Her eyes were full of fear. She was scared, she didn't know what was going on.

"Mommy?" Rebecca asked as she stood up on her chair and looked over the table.

"Come on, we're going to the hospital," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye helped Margaret up and walked her to the car. Once they got there Rebecca and Hawkeye were told to go and sit out in the waiting room. They both sat there silently. Rebecca looked over at Hawkeye with her big blue eyes.

"Hawkeye?" she asked.

"What?" he asked.

"What's wrong with mommy?" she asked.

Hawkeye just looked at her for a moment. He didn't know what to tell her. He wasn't sure of Margaret had already told her and she wanted her to know. Besides, he didn't want to upset her and then have Margaret able to go home that night, but he also didn't want to get her hopes up and then find out that Margaret won't be returning home. Hawkeye also didn't want to be like his parents and hide things.

"Well, Rebecca, sometimes when people get sick they go to a hospital. Now, your mom is sick. Right now it's kind of like going to a check up for her," Hawkeye said.

"When will she come home?" Rebecca asked.

"I don't know. We'll have to wait and see," Hawkeye said.

They both went back to sitting there silently. Every once in a while Hawkeye would look over at Rebecca to see how she was doing. He knew that she probably had questions, but didn't know how to answer them until he found out what was going on. For all he knew at the moment she could have just been dehydrated. On the other hand her system could be shutting down. He sighed as he looked down.

"It's bad isn't it?" Rebecca asked.

Hawkeye looked over at her.

"Why?" he asked.

"Mommy had that same look when daddy died," Rebecca said.

"Honestly, I don't know. See I was friend of your mother's while we were both over in Korea. I'm just worried about her, that's all," Hawkeye said.

"What's Korea?" Rebecca asked.

"It was a war. Your mom and I worked over at a mash unit, that's where we would help the people who were hurt. I was a surgeon and your mom was a nurse," Hawkeye said.

"Oh," Rebecca said.

"Are you sure that you don't know what going on?" Rebecca asked.

"I wish I did know," Hawkeye said.

"Last time mommy was here she was okay," Rebecca said.

Hawkeye looked back down. He remembered when his mom was sick. He remembered how his dad would always take her to the hospital and then tell him that everything was okay. Sure it was okay, up until she died and he hadn't expected anything like that to happen. Hawkeye then looked back over at Rebecca who was staring out the window.

"Your mom's been sick for a while hasn't she?" Hawkeye asked.

Rebecca looked over towards Hawkeye and nodded.

"One time she came home crying and told daddy that she might not be around much longer," Rebecca said.

"Did she tell you anything after you heard that?" Hawkeye asked.

"She said that some day soon, she might go to sleep and not wake up," Rebecca said.

The doctor suddenly came out and asked to talk to Hawkeye. Hawkeye told Rebecca to stay where she was and then went over and stood by the doctor.

"She hasn't kept any solid food down for a while now. We could put her on a feeding tube, but the cancer's so far along it really wouldn't matter," he said.

Hawkeye looked back at Rebecca. She just sat there and watched the two. Hawkeye then turned back.

"How long do you think that she'll be alive?" he asked.

"She might not make it through the night," he said.

"I see. Thanks," Hawkeye said.

The doctor walked back to the elevator as Hawkeye just stood there. Now what was he going to tell her? He knew that she was only four, but some how she seemed to have an understanding of what was going on. Most times a kid could surprise you like that. He turned around and slowly walked over and sat down by Rebecca. Rebecca just stared up at him.

"Rebecca, you know how you were told that some day mommy might go to sleep and not wake up?" Hawkeye asked.

"Yeah," Rebecca said sounding as if she already knew what was coming.

"Your mommy's still awake, but she might not be in the morning," Hawkeye said.

"What does that mean?" Rebecca asked.

"That means that she won't be able to ever come back home," Hawkeye said.

"I'll never see her again?" Rebecca asked.

Hawkeye sadly shook his head.

"Why not?" Rebecca asked as a tear went down her face.

"I honestly don't know," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye went over and sat Rebecca down on his lap as he held her.

"Would you like to go see your mommy now?" he asked.

Rebecca looked up and nodded. Hawkeye carried her to the elevator and over to Margaret's room. As he walked in Rebecca got out of Hawkeye's arms and went over to Margaret. Margaret smiled at her and kissed her on the fore head.

"Hey sweety," Margaret said.

"Hi mommy," Rebecca said.

Margaret scooted over on the bed.

"Come here," she said.

Rebecca got up and sat next to her. Margaret put her arm around Rebecca.

"Hi Rebecca," she said.

"Hi mommy," Rebecca said.

Margaret just stared at her. She knew that she wasn't going to make it much longer. She looked into her eyes. She was leaving her little girl. She might have been accidental, but she meant more than anything to Margaret. A tear went Margaret's face.

"Are you coming home?" Rebecca asked.

"I'm afraid not," Margaret said.

"Oh," Rebecca said.

Margaret embraced her as they both cried. Hawkeye stepped out into the hallway.

"_Hi mommy," he said._

"_Hi," she said._

"_Mom? When will you be coming home?" Hawkeye asked._

"_I'm not sure," she said._

Hawkeye remember that. It was the next day she died. He leaned his head against the wall as he looked up at the ceiling. He wanted to know why things worked out the way they did. How a little child could lose their parent.

Rebecca sat by Margaret. Margaret took her hand and wiped a tear off of Rebecca's face.

"Now Rebecca, I wants you to remember, I love you and I hope you'll be happy. I just want the best for you," Margaret said.

"I love you to mommy," Rebecca said.

Rebecca kissed her on the cheek. Margaret smiled at her.

Hawkeye was now sitting against the wall. He wanted Rebecca to be able to say good bye to her mom. He suddenly remembered something that Henry had said.

"People die, and there's nothing you can do about it," Hawkeye said softly to himself.

He just stared off in a daze. Suddenly he heard Rebecca.

"Mommy?" she kept asking.

Hawkeye stood up and went in the room to find Margaret unconscious and Rebecca nudging her.

"Mommy?" Rebecca asked.

"Oh God," Hawkeye said.

He walked over to Margaret and checked for a pulse. He sadly looked up at Rebecca and sighed.

"I'm afraid that she won't wake up," Hawkeye said.

Rebecca just stared at him.

"Never?" Rebecca asked.

Hawkeye just shook his head.

Rebecca got up and ran out of the room. Hawkeye sighed and looked down at Margaret.

"Sorry I didn't get to say good bye," he said and then walked out and looked for Rebecca.

He spotted her at the end of the hall. She sat by a window and stared outside at the rain. Hawkeye walked up behind her and laid his hand on her shoulder. Rebecca turned around with a tear streaked face. He sat down and embraced her.

"It's going to be okay, I promise," Hawkeye said.

Hawkeye just stared outside. It was raining as it did when his sister and mother had died, and now it was raining for Margaret, who left her daughter behind.

The End


End file.
